forgive

I’m reading a book called “Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct” by Michael McCullough. The book is part evolutionary biology part social psychology, and explains how both revenge and forgiveness are natural instincts that have suited us humans for various purposes throughout history. The goal for the author, is that we recognize that revenge is natural but move towards developing an even greater capacity for forgiveness. So driven by impulsive, Irish guilt, I begin by saying I …am sorry Time Warner Cable for threatening to kill one of your employees.

Dear TWC,

We’ve had our differences over the years. But I’m ready to look past your failures and accept you for what you are. When that ladder-bearing man came to my house for the second time this week, I saw something in him. I saw a profound sadness in that middle-aged man’s eyes like he wanted me to pull that ladder from under him. Blinded by what I’m learning to find is a completely natural instinct to get even, I did nothing for this man except wish him a thousand falls. But, after some 48 hours, I’ve come to realize that me and Stan (can I call him Stan?) have a lot in common. He’s just as sad to know you. Maybe even sadder knowing that he has to appease you, like the fat kid who says “Hi!!!” to the bully right before he gets a swirlie. He must have it hard, putting on that suicidal smile each day as he confronts people, who by the nature of the job, have a problem every single time he goes to their house. Maybe you taught Stan not to be talkative in one of your trainings–perhaps a tactful skill not to engage with the angry customers. Smart move on your part, TWC. I can respect that.

You know, Stan told me there was some corrosion on one of those power lines, and that maybe water was the cause of the poor circuitry. You can’t help something like that, it’s nature! Meanwhile, after talking to Nadia, Steve, Aaron, Michelle, Tonya, Richard, and Peter, I thought that maybe you guys just memorized my incoming number and were fucking with me. Maybe you wanted me back on the sauce again? Can you find out that type of history through my social security number? Have I been put in the pile of potential threatening phone-callers? I hope not. Oh my, that would explain so much.

I’m really getting off track. What I wanted to say is that I forgive you. As one Indian man once said (maybe Nadia’s uncle?) :

To err is human, to forgive is divine. 

So, if I’m reading that correctly, you made a human mistake and I’m divine for forgiving you. I feel so much better and it must be true what they say about positive things happening to positive people. DrOzPoops hasn’t cut out of service this whole time I’ve been writing! No, that wasn’t sarcastic, TWC. I’m genuinely surprised. Wait a second. Just got an email. FROM YOU GUYS!!!!

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Really? I start to write you a forgiveness letter and you’re pitching me more stuff? I mean I told Stan to have a nice day but did he tell you he thought I wanted more services? Un-fucking believable. I don’t even know. I mean, the audacity of you guys. GIVES YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT? I just started getting internet and cable back so yeah, anything else seems like more but hold on, let me read some of these prices. Maybe it’s a free gift. Oh, I’d feel so bad like when I pointed out that girl’s balding hair and found out she had cancer.

This is outrageous. NOWHERE DO I SEE BILL COWER’S GREAT RATE. NOWHERE. NOTHING’S FREE. NO GIFTS. Send Stan one more time. ONE MORE TIME. DOES STAN HAVE KIDS? I’LL EAT THOSE FUCKING KIDS.

Now you have me sounding like my father, typing in all caps. Disregard everything. I’m out.

LOVE SCOTT