Just when I thought I had rid myself of all that is Time Warner Cable, I see a new commercial. Apparently, Time Warner is now offering its happy customers the opportunity to protect their homes with their service. Emboldened by their ability to provide high-speed internet and impeccable cable, they now feel confident in keeping burglars away from your homes. I can see it so clearly:

Nadia: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable, this is Nadia speaking.

Caller: THERE’S A MAN IN MY HOUSE!

Nadia: Can you please verify the last four digits of your social.

Caller: THERE’S A FUCKING MAN IN MY HOUSE!

Nadia: Thank you again for your patience, but could you please provide the last…

Caller: 8064! JESUS CHRIST GET OUT. DARREN, GET THE GUN!

Nadia: Thank you Mrs. Sampson, now how can I assist you today?

Caller: THERE’S A MAN IN THE HOUSE. I THINK HE’S ON DRUGS.

Nadia: OK, thank you. Have you tried asking him to leave already?

Caller: YES. OH MY GOD he’s going upstairs. MY KIDS. JIMMY! JIMMY!

Nadia: OK, I don’t see the alarm going off on our end. Let me send a signal to make sure your alarm system is working properly.

Caller: HE’S ALREADY IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.

Nadia: I understand that and thank you again for using Time Warner Cable’s Home Security System. OK, it seems like you have a weak signal. I’m going to send a technician over to your house.

Caller: HURRY. PLEASE COME QUICKLY. JIMMY!

Nadia: So the earliest time we can get someone out there is between 9 and 11 on Wednesday. Will that be a problem?

Caller: OH MY GOD, HE’S SHOOTING EVERYONE!

Nadia: I hear that, Mrs. Sampson and I’m sorry about this inconvenience. So I’m going to put you in for 9 to 11 on Wednesday. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Caller: OH MY GOD. IT’S STAN. IT’S STAN. HE CAME OVER TO HELP US WITH THE CABLE LAST WEEK.

(click)