About a week ago, a homeless man used an ATM to get a cash advance for nearly 800 bucks. He didn’t have the money to cover the transaction but the ATM gave him the money. So, he tried again. And again…and again. 37,000 dollars later, the bank had a problem.

Where did this happen? Where can one just get as much money as they want from an ATM?

SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE. One quarter mile from my house. MY bank, Jets.  I heard this story and felt an immense amount of regret, similar to what I feel every day for not wearing my retainer and wasting my parent’s money. But this was even more painful because it isn’t a crooked smile we’re talking about, but an opportunity for a real life change. That’s over 7 hot tubs @ 5,000 a pop kind-0f-money.

About the culprit (or hero):  I don’t think the guy had a car (he was caught sleeping in the bank a week prior) so a woman was the one who cock-blocked his opportunity of getting rich when she noticed he was taking a suspicious amount of time at the ATM. I think the time is less important that the fact that he was seen stuffing money into a bag. 

I cannot imagine the feeling of naughty giddiness this guy must have had. When I get an extra chicken McNugget in my 4-piece meal I get a feeling I bet this guy had times 1,000.  He’s got to know it’s too good to be true but for those 5…10…30 minutes, you’ve hit the scandal lottery. Now is this bitch really doing her civic, moral duty by calling the cops on him or is she just a little jealous that she didn’t think to keep pushing the cash advance option? Just let the guy go!  And what did she get for her civic duty? 100 bucks. Freaking idiot. She could have politely threatened the man and gotten at least half of that 37,000.

But all this brings me to a real problem I have. The article talks about whether charges will be brought up on the man, etc. And I get it: knowingly asking for cash advances (in that great degree) when you know you can’t cover it is negligent. But say for argument’s sake, that I go to take out $100 out of my checking account and it spits out $120. I may realize it or maybe I don’t. I go spend the money and the bank realizes the mistake and what happens? You owe that money back. Which seems unfair to Soakin Scott to pay for their mistake. Why? Because if you overdraw your account you are subject to a fee, ON TOP of paying for the money that you obviously owe them for covering you. A fee for having zero dollars. A poor tax. That seems cruel. But even if it is cruel, why doesn’t the bank have to have any consequences when they make mistakes?

If I get 37,000 dollars and just have to pay it back that’s horseshit! I want to file a grievance for damages. Because that bank unfairly got MY HOPES SO HIGH ONLY TO CRUSH THEM. It’s like when I have an hour to take a nap but my mom calls me to ask what I’ve been up to. That, but 37,000 times worse.