I’ve taken some time off from discussing P-Fit after I got robbed and then started to get out of shape. But a recent Buzzfeed article http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/things-you-will-only-see-at-planet-fitness?bffb   about Planet Fitness left me unsatisfied and desperate to shed some light on what I’m witnessing at my own gym. I haven’t had the pizza at Planet Fitness and I’ve been a member for three years. I don’t think people are bathing in pizza sauce, nor do I trip over tootsie roll wrappers like they said. Nevertheless, it is still a wonderful place to people-watch! Here’s what I’m seeing:

1. An Identity Crisis

What’s with the new spa-like area with massage tables and secluded massage chairs? You spout your disgust of heavy lifting and judgmental attitudes but you’re sporting a massage table in plain sight that only the prestigious black card members can use? Who is the licensed massage therapist on staff? Oh, Pete who checked me in? He’s 20 and busy talking to the 16 year old in yoga pants so I guess I’ll use it as a nap table.

jorts3

The best part is that the black card is $10 more (20$ a month) to get the premiere package. Imagine if airlines worked that way? Yep, you can sit in business class with no leg room and expired peanuts or pay 10 dollars more for plenty of leg space and free booze. Everybody would be drunk and the airlines would be out of business. This Planet Fitness set-up screams identity crisis like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like Pizza Hut making their buildings look like fancy bistros. It’s still shitty pizza. Same thing, P-Fit. We know we are the working class of the workout world. We’re OK WITH IT. If you want the fat people to be OK with being fat, then be OK with just providing a giant space for us to get sweaty in. Well, who really sweats? I just go to get a nice heart-beat going.

2. The Girl Upstairs with Tight Spandex Doing Squats In Front of the Mirror For The Guys

jorts2

Girls and guys hate this girl for completely different reasons. Girls hate this girl because she’s crossing the picket line. You don’t undermine the rest of the females by looking all sexy in front of the guys upstairs. You stay downstairs on the elipticals or you do minor movements upstairs with low weight. If that sounds sexist, it is. But most girls want it that way at the gym, no? Shes’ the chump of the female, Planet Fitness race. Guys on the other hand hate this girl because they can’t stop fucking creeping. I rank myself in the bottom 20% on the creep totem-pole but I can’t help but watch the glorious scene. I can’t stop thinking.

Is she really confident and just doesn’t care?

Does she just really want attention?

Does she complain about the guys staring at her when she leaves or did she concede this fact when she pulled out the blue spandex?

3. The Guy In Jorts

jorts

If you haven’t seen someone in Maine work out in jorts (jean shorts) then you’re a fucking liar and haven’t been enough. See #4.

4. The January Crowd

Every gym has this crowd and it’s entirely brought on by New Year’s Resolutions that won’t be resolved. I respect these people and really hope it all works out. But I crunched some numbers and it just doesn’t look like the numbers are staying consistent from January to December.

5. The Tourists

FUCKING love this group more than anything. It’s why I pay. It’s the group (usually 1-2 people) who take the P-fit tour. No idea how the “tour guide” AKA 20-year old Pete keeps a straight face while he explains how “that’s a pull-up machine and it is a machine that helps you do pull-ups.” Hope you’re getting your money’s worth.

6. The Head Swivel/ Time to Get a Drink at the Fountain Creep

jorts4

Check out this move from the guys (me) as we enter the gym. The eyes say “I’m looking for someone I know who should be here” as the head swivels uncontrollably as it tries to assess all the pretty ladies in the area. It’s a Darwinian adaptation that isn’t fooling anyone but we can’t help ourselves. This all happens within the 7 second time-frame you have on the walk pass the elipticals. It’s over when you complete your walk upstairs but that’s OK. It won’t be long before you need a drink of water and you get to do it again. And again. All sorts of stupid ploys to get in some looks. An equal amount of time is spent on this behavior as people figuring out how to take a dump at work without anybody knowing.