Every so often in life, opportunities are presented for you to take. I was made aware of a new business taking form in New York called Hot Tub Cinema. It’s exactly as it sounds: soaking in hot tubs while watching a movie. This is my opportunity. This is my time.
I was immediately hit with a wave of resentment and jealousy. But after several seconds of reflection, I realized I needed to stop being a bitch and take action. Yes, I wish I had the initiative to start this business. But, rather than sit back and hate myself, I’ve decided to get in on the action. So, I’ve composed a cover letter to pass in so I can make myself of service. Please let me know if I need to make any corrections.
May 13, 2014
To who this may concern,
I am writing in regards to a position at Hot Tub Cinema. My name is Scott and I hope you consider my qualifications and my desire to help make your business
burst with chlorine an ultimate success.
My love for hot tubs began at an early age. I played hockey as a kid and every time we had a tournament in a hotel, there always seemed to be a hot tub. My coaches would warn us, and sometimes make it a rule, that we could not use the pool or hot tub because it would not be good for our legs. I was always a rule-follower but not with this rule! I always soaked and I didn’t care that I didn’t score many goals because my legs felt like wobbly hot dogs.
Some of my friends call me Soakin Scott. And by my friends, I mean I call myself Soakin Scott. My friends used to call me Uncle Blue Cans because I’d always have blue cans of Miller Lite. They stopped calling me Uncle Blue Cans when I went to
rehab drinking camp. I don’t drink anymore so I’m dry on many levels. Does it make me a little arrogant speaking and writing about myself as Soakin Scott? If arrogance is what you’re looking for, great. If not, then just kidding.
I have many ideas for your business that I hope we can implement. If you use them and don’t hire me I will drown three people every day and blame it on Hot Tub Cinema. That’s not a threat. It is a threat, but let’s move on to my ideas. First off, your website doesn’t mention a screening process. This is
fucking stupid ill-advised. You run the risk of people with crazy diseases soaking in your hot tubs and infecting everyone. You need to screen for this. You also need bodyguards and clean-up crews. You are serving booze at these events and we all know that 10 drinks plus an hour in a hot tub equals a hot tub filled with vomit. Nothing kills a fun time like soaking in a 104 degree pool of drunk girl’s vomit. These are a few positions you need to think about. I know a few people so let me know if I can bring my team along with me.
In addition, I’d like to have a few events that help solidify our place in the community. I recommend some charity events like SOAK FOR A CURE and THE BIGGEST SOAKER. The first one, is a charity event to raise money for some cure.
I don’t really care if it’s a real thing we’re curing but nothing gets people more motivated than thinking they are sitting in a hot tub for a dying kid. All the money raised would go into insurance because you can bet your ass we’ll have someone die within our first year. Is it OK that I said “our first year?” I just feel like I was born to do this. Anyways, THE BIGGEST SOAKER is a stolen idea from The Biggest Loser. However, there will be differences. First, there will not actually be any fat shits heavy people in the contest. That’s bad for business and we don’t want photos circulating on the web of gross people at our cinema. In our contest, people will try to outlast the others by seeing how long they can stay submersed in the tub. Your nipples must always be submerged and we will have sexy lifeguards/refs to make sure the rules are followed. The last person remaining gets a free hot tub but most likely, they’ll suffer so much physical and mental damage winning the contest, that they will probably forget to claim the prize.
Now, I read about your long waiting list and I applaud you. However, I don’t think you should even have a list. I think you should sell your tickets and then tell everyone else that they can come and wait in line. When somebody gets out of the tub, a horn goes off, and the first person in the waiting line gets tagged in like they used to do in the WWF. People will be waiting in line in their bathing suits ready to get tagged in and after a while, they will get pretty annoyed. This much I guarantee. Cue “The Broker.” The Broker is a new position I propose. He/She has several roles–part bookie, part negotiator. One money-making scheme is that the Broker takes bets on which guy in the hot tub is going to get out next. The people in line make their bets and Hot Tub Cinema takes a cut. The other role is negotiating between those in the tub and those in line. Take for example, Jimmy and Sarah who are in line. It’s their first date and Jimmy really wanted to seduce Sarah in the tub over a couple cocktails. He was hoping for some really bad and dehydrated decisions. But he’s been in line for two hours! He decides that he’s willing to offer the couple in the hot tub already 200 bucks for their spots. The Broker goes over to the couple in the tub and proposes the deal. Back and forth they go until something is settled and Sarah winds up pregnant. Hot Tub Cinema takes 10%.
I have many more ideas and hope to meet with you
at a fancy spa in person to discuss my future role as a consultant. Attached you will find my resume and a link to my blog about hot tubs.
Uncle Blue Cans