So I’m watching John Legend perform on some award show last night and thought he has to be the man’s equivalent to Beyonce. I mean, I don’t want to be John Legend or anything–any respectable guy stopped trying to be a celebrity after they learned they couldn’t actually be Ken Griffey Jr. by imitating his swing. Nevertheless, the guy has it going on and I say that in the straightest way possible. He got accepted into Harvard and Georgetown but said ‘no thanks,’ is married to a sexy, chocolaty model, and when he sings, panties across the world just fly off. I was sitting next to my girlfriend as she watched and realized I didn’t have anything to say to get her mind off the fantasy of cheating on me with him. I didn’t say anything–what could I say! So, I just casually passed gas under the covers and hoped the scent would get her mind back to dutch-oven reality.

Sometimes I sing to my girlfriend (Boyz to Men and Disney classics) but the response I get is the same one you get when people watch a child’s dance recital. Oh they were fucking terrible, but kind of cute I guess! Who wants that shit?! Not me. I want undies thrown at me and home-wreckers across the world plotting their schemes on how to steal me away. How’d you get so smooth, John? I think I have an idea but I can’ t be sure. You grew up watching men get the girls through music right? Were you inspired by the ones that inspired me? Are we the same? Can I be the white version of you?

Lloyd mother-bleeping Dobler in Say Anything. Maybe there were guys before his time, but not for me. He was the original. Nothing but a boom box and a primal desire to win over the frumpiest looking girl ever. I’m not gonna judge your taste, Lloyd. The heart wants what the heart wants. You do white and frumpy. I’ll do latin. Sure, his kick-boxing-sport-of-the-future thing was endearing but it wasn’t until he brought Peter Gabriel into the mix did he have a real shot. John Legend, did you like Lloyd? I did.

Uncle Jesse on Full House. Your arrogance and leather jacket sometimes annoyed me but you used that piano so many times to woo the hell out of Becky and I respect you for it. Were your lyrics deep and complicated? Absolutely not. But you were a dumb guy and metaphors aren’t your thing. You let me know that presentation is just as important as talent. So now whenever I sing, I take off my shirt and expose my pale chest and Irish, pepperoni nipples. Is it sexy? Probably not, but it’s memorable. And that’s what you were good at, Jesse. John Legend, did you listen to Jesse and the Rippers? Did “Forever” inspire “All of Me?” I bet it did just a little.

And LAST BUT NOT LEAST…

Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You.

The man died for us to play the Joker. But long before he was wearing makeup and taking drugs, he sang his face off in front of hundreds of people in 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh, you don’t remember that movie? Get the fuck off my blog.  Heath did a little bit of everything here and I’m going to break it down for you piece by piece. For starters, he actually sang. Here, on The Tub we do research and I googled that shit. Secondly, at this point in his career, he was pretty damn ugly. This gets him huge bonus points from me because it tells every ugly guy “‘Hey you, ugly guy. You’re not very attractive and that really hurts you in the game of finding a mate, but with the right song, and the right mo-jo, you too can land a real keeper.” But more than the real voice and the disgusting hair, Heath really sells every bit of this performance to that stuck-up Julie Stiles. We’d find out later that she was a little bit racist in Save the Last Dance but don’t read into that too much, John Legend (Heath couldn’t have known at that point). Heath starts of the show by revealing to us common-folk that he’s thought this thing out. He has someone cue the music for him. Then CUE HEATH as he slides down a stripper pole. And then…somehow…the band starts playing.  This I will never figure out just like I can’t figure out how everyone in She’s All That knows the flash mob dance at the end of the movie.

But I digress.

Then he starts to strut down the steps as he sings which isn’t easy to do. I don’t know from experience but one time I tried to have a conversation with the person next to me on a treadmill and I blacked out. Now the lyrics say “I love you, baby” which is great because we know he doesn’t love her. He just met her! But guess what? You can tell someone you love them if you’re trying to sleep with them. It’s totally OK and culturally understood. This much I know. ANYways, the cops or the campus police (WHY WERE THEY EVEN THERE?!) start to pull Heath away because he’s committing a crime of improper seduction?

He risked a lot for those panties, John Legend!  He actually ran away from the cops and made contact with them– which in my neck of the woods– is resisting arrest and you can do time for that. At 1:40 of the video you see Heath touch the cop’s butt which is a sexual crime of some sort but guess what: HE GOT THE GIRL. So what if they lock him up? You can bet your penny loafers that he’s getting some visitors when he’s eligible for conjugal visits. Not even sure what a penny loafer is.

And there they are, John Legend. Some of my inspirations. Lloyd, Jesse, and Heath. Oh shit. YOU’RE ON AMERICAN IDOL RIGHT NOW. Do you just perform on these shows to mock everyone? Serious question though and I’ll let you go: When you get in a fight with your wife, do you just put the radio on, wait for that song, and be all like ‘Babe, I wrote that for you’ and does she stop being mad at you? Because that would be super effective.