I regret to inform you that shit is getting serious. That’s not the most formal way to express a problem but I’m really befuddled on this one! I don’t know what problems are facing your towns and cities but here in South Portland, there’s something sinister in the air and it’s bad news bears. No, it’s not misogyny, gun control, or even those elusive hood rats. It’s something I saw while in the Burger King drive-thru the organic food store that caught my attention. It’s Game of Thrones meets the Vatican and it’s horrifying. And it’s not the first time I’ve seen it. Several times, actually! And I don’t know if there are more than one or if it’s the same one. HERE IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT:


CALVARY OF SHADOWS. An ASSEMBLY OF GOD. Bus filled with…who knows? Who is driving and is he omnipotent or does he like Burger King have human flaws like the rest of us? This is unreal. So scary. I’m done living in fear. It’s a lot of energy wasted and I have limited time on this planet to make up for putting itching powder in Nadine’s cast in 4th grade. Something needs to be done. Am I hero for doing something? Yeah, I like that. Heroic, indeed.

Anyways, I’m into writing letters after my letter to Hot Tub Cinema. It’s effective to put such important thoughts into print and I think I have a real knack for getting my point across. This one is to the Town of South Portland. I needed answers and to express a grave concern for my fellow citizens.


Dear South Portland,

At approximately 1:30 PM, in a drive-thru of a fine food establishment, I noticed a suspicious vehicle in the adjacent parking lot. I have seen the aforementioned vehicle in the community before but did not truly gauge how scary the situation was until now. I have yet to see any people in or around this van but the name of the van—Calvary Shadows, Assembly of God–indicates that it may be filled with Christians in costumes. This is all speculation of course, but the fact that windows were covered with sheets scared the fuck seems to be against the law, and in the very least, concerning. Who is hiding in that bus? And are they trying to get out? I would have went over to investigate myself but I wanted my chicken nuggets had to get to an important work meeting.

I would like to reiterate that the name on the bus says CALVARY SHADOWS. I watch a lot of TV and this would be a great name for a show about an army of zombies or the last city on Earth after the apocalypse. Anyways, the bottom line is this: I think you have a group of power-hungry, religious zealots hanging out in your parking lots. Are they armed and dangerous? I can’t be sure , but, I mean, it’s a fucking Calvary. There’s no way they’re only packing Bibles. And how do I know they are power-hungry? Well, it strikes me as no coincidence that the bus was parked roughly 100 yards from the TD BANK that was shooting out 100-dollar bills to that homeless man a few months back. Were they behind it? I don’t know that either but I have a feeling they are. You could fit so many bags of money and dead people  on a bus of that size. And who is going to approach a bus that is an ASSEMBLY OF GOD? So intimidating. I would always avoid the guy outside Fenway that handed out pamphlets on how to get to Heaven. Who paid that guy? And was he a part of the Assembly/Calvary? These things I wonder about. And if you’re wondering if I’m an angry Atheist with an axe to grind with God, you’re wrong. I’ve known the Nicene Creed by heart for years and have mastered the art of sleeping-while-kneeling on a pew while looking deep in spiritual thought.

Anyways. I would really appreciate it if you could get the bus the hell out of SOPO to remove its red curtains from the windows so drivers like myself can see passengers. If there is somebody whose face is pressed against the window and has a face that would imply “HEY. THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!” then, well, I won’t be able to see it because there are curtains everywhere. So, as you can see, it’s important that you take care of this situation. I’m thinking of the Assembly. I’m a tax-paying citizen and it would be nice not to get raped by a bus full of crazies  to know all the diverse people in our community.

Respectfully yours,

Scott M

Peter Sampson

P.S. You know when you file a noise complaint but the police keep it secret who made the complaint? Can you do that for me here? I’m sure they are just abiding by their right to vote in the confines of a large bus but just in case, please don’t mention my name.