It’s summertime so cue some Will Smith family-friendly rap and get to the beach. But after you put your towel down and proceed to grab your iPhone, please take a moment to consider something. Is the selfie I’m about to take going to upset Scott  the general public?

Listen, I’m not going to go on a rant about selfies. Well, not entirely. It’s just that…I mean, if you’re going to go down that road, at least highlight your best features and be damned sure that you’re getting some good landscape action. But more and more we’re seeing what I’m calling the Thigh-Beach-Shot. It’s disgusting and it’s really ruining what should have been a great sunset.

Maybe I’m just anti-thigh? Most people don’t have very attractive thighs. Speaking from experience, my white thighs are just gross. I’m not saying you’re supposed to have nice thighs or that only attractive people should post beach pictures. Well, I am saying that, but don’t highlight what has to rank as a top 3 worst body part. It’s just bad math. We get it. You’re at the beach. You’re wearing a bikini. It’s nice out. But you lose me when I see those hot dog legs as the cover story. That’s just silly and to illustrate such ridiculousness, I’m going to start a backlash that highlights my worst feature.

Exhibit A: My Feet (see second toe)

Catch your breath for a moment. It’s hard to keep such a prevalent deformity hidden in this summer weather. Not sure how it happened. All the toes look somewhat proportional and then you see this second toe from the left. It’s half ET’s finger, half Donatello’s finger from the Ninja Turtles. Some people say the second toe (when long) is a sign of intelligence. This is just something a person with an ugly toe started. Just like it’s good luck to have it rain on your wedding day. Biggest piece of horseshit ever. It’s not lucky, it’s flat-out horrible. 

 Now that I’ve looked at this ET picture a few times I don’t feel as bad. Bug eyes. Horrible old-man fingers. And look closely at what should be eyebrows. Those are tumor eyebrows and it’s extra bad because ET appears to have a uni-brow. #Blessed ET isn’t dominating the selfie game.