I really like Pawn Stars but it’s a crock of shit and I’ll tell you why.

Andy and I decided to make our little apartment a non-profit rehab facility. We took in people who fell off the wagon with the hopes of boosting a low, national recovery success rate. We offered Showtime, an air mattress, and very few home-cooked meals. During this time, I realized that there’s no way that Pawn Stars can be an accurate portrayal of the pawn shop life.

First off, let’s look at the pawn shop on Forest Avenue in Portland, Maine. It looks like a brothel of used furniture. I’ve never seen anyone walk into it, but I can only guess that the people who come out of it, leave a giant piece of themselves inside. Candidate numero uno in Redbank Rehab was Oakie. Oakie is our favorite drug addict friend. He’s in his twenties and he has been to roughly a dozen rehab facilities across the country. He’s been to probably 15 sober houses and infamously ran through the streets of Minnesota fucked up on meth. We had a framed picture of his childhood treehouse above our toilet because he told us that’s where he shot cocaine when he got kicked out of his house. It was a twisted thing for sure, but he’s a lovable kid and well—most of the United States is rooting for him. Oakie really committed to the Redbank rehab for about 24 hours. He was cleaning up the house and really making an effort. Especially with Andy. Andy hated that I wouldn’t go with him on his McDonalds runs at midnight but Oakie always went. Andy probably thinks he was a better friend but the kid was living for free so I’m not sure he had much choice. We knew things weren’t going well for Oakie when we all were watching Rescue Me on Netflix. We were all on episode 5 of season 1. One day later, Oakie was on season 3. The house wasn’t clean and it was safe to say he was treating the hole in his soul with a bitter Dennis Leary. 

Anyways, we had a gingerbread house contest at our place around Christmas. I’d come to find out later that Oakie was high during this ordeal and looking back, we should have known. His house wasn’t even standing and that pretty much symbolized everything. Not long after, I came home to an unlocked door and his stuff gone. Oakie decided to go to the pawn shop and pawn whatever he had. Luckily, he didn’t steal any of our stuff. He just got enough for a little run and made his way to the heroin dealer in Massachusetts. Maybe he finished Rescue Me? I have YET to see an Oakie-like character on Pawn Stars. He is my Pawn Star, though. Always.

Then there was Donald. Donald is another great drug addict. Bright kid, very likable, and very addicted to substances. He joined the Redbank alumni around 2012. He also took to the Netflix pretty hard. I came home one day to find two girls at our apartment. They looked a combined 15 years of age and they were playing a card game. I started my relapse countdown shortly after that. He came home one day and told us his car was destroyed. He was fine but the car was toast. Somehow he had my favorite golf club in that car. He claims someone stole the golf club out of the car when it was being demolished. This, I don’t quite believe. I’m thinking that golf club got him about 10 bucks on Forest Avenue. I have NOT SEEN ANYONE PAWN A SINGLE GOLF CLUB on Pawn Stars but you have to believe that shit exists. 

I’m still going to watch but I would like a little less “Ben Franklin signed this piece of toilet paper” and a little more “Can I get 10 bucks for this iPod shuffle” that has Jessica 4EVA engraved on it. A little less “this is a Civil War pistol” and a little more “Call the cops, that kid just ran away with that Civil War pistol.”