I’m not easily shocked. I’ve chased naked kids through the streets. I’ve talked to a man with wet-brain. I most recently saw a girl pull a clump of hair out of her head while moving her legs like an angry pony.

But when I’m at a gas station, like I was this week, and see a 40-something year old stare at a gas pump, not knowing what to do, I’m completely lost for words. How can a man, who presumably has gotten gas for nearly 25 years, be so confused at a gas pump? There’s a big box that has gas in it. There’s a pipe that goes into your car. You swipe your card and press a button. All the boxes of gas look the same. Hoses don’t come in different shapes and sizes like they’re exotic shower heads.

And yet, this man, looks at the baffling 3 choices of gas with a million-mile stare. Listen, buddy. The only time you don’t buy the cheapest gas is when you’re 17 and excitedly wonder, ‘Hmmm…I wonder if this premium gas will make my ’92 Buick go faster.” Well, sir, it  does not. It’s still a piece of shit.

And then they get the hose all set to go and, wait for it…the gas isn’t coming out! The man looks around suspiciously like he just crop-dusted an entire party. He waits…yep, got the line all ready to go. He enters the kiosk:

“The pump isn’t working.”

And the poor employee must hear this at least three times a week. He knows that the guy is just a dip-shit. Maybe he didn’t lift the handle. Maybe he didn’t press the button. I don’t know, but everybody in line knows the pump works just fine. He comes out, presses the button for the emasculated man, and BOOM—gas comes shooting out of the hose.

“That’s weird…I know I pressed it!”

Can you imagine another walk of life, where you can do something weekly for decades, and still be confused? Like imagine you’re at an acquaintances’ party and have to use the bathroom:

“Hey, where’s the bathroom at?”

“Down the hall on the right.”

You get to the bathroom, ready to ruin someone’s toilet, and

Wait a hot second…that doesn’t look like the one at my house! What’s that fuzzy thing on top? Do I flush up or down? 

You panic like gas-man but you can’t ask the toilet owner for help. How embarrassing! So you just sit on the toilet, turned the wrong way, and shit all over the seat because you weren’t sure if it was supposed to go up or down. You wipe your ass on the door knob and just run away.

*    *    *

I shouldn’t be so judgmental about gas-guy. We all do weird and insane shit despite years of experience. Take for instance Jay Z’s “99 Problems.” Love that song. When it comes on the radio, I get so jacked up. I just want to kick a cat I’m so excited. I’ve probably heard the song a few thousand times. AND YET, when I sing it…sweet christ.

“You got cash..fjalkjdl…..d..da…money cash hoes…I’m from the hood stupid….djlajdl…facts are those. If you jdljaldjladjdl bust a fruit in a fruit fight.jsdakljladj I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BITCH AIN’T ONE. 

Literally every time I hear the song, I butcher it. I really nail that chorus, though. How does that happen?! How have I not gotten better at it? It’s like selective rap amnesia and I don’t know how to fix it, Jets.

Anyways, I got my soak on in the past two weeks. I apologize for the blog hiatus. But stay tuned because I’ll explain how I brought a GoPro into a fancy spa. Nothing says creepy like having a GoPro in a spa when there’s a couple next to you in the steam room.