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What a Wednesday I just had. Maybe cracked the top 20 for best days of my life. My work decided to do a little “Work Appreciation Day” to reward us for getting bullied by 13 year olds. And what better way to reward adults than go to an adult arcade: Dave N’ Busters.

I’ve only been to Dave N’ Busters once. It had just opened in Providence, RI and I think I was about 18. When I saw that you could order drinks while playing a sit-down race car game I vowed that this would be the greatest place on earth when I turned 21. It turns out I developed a propensity of drinking Merlot in my bed, so I didn’t make it back to Dave N’ Busters for about a decade.

After pretending I was really there to socialize with colleagues and eat, I broke for the game section. The place is really a children’s version of Vegas. With the flickering lights and the blaring music, it’s a shock that more people don’t go into a seizure when they walk in. I played a few games with colleagues. Air hockey, basketball, and Connect Four. CONNECT FOUR ON A GIANT SCREEN may be the greatest game since Guess Who. I beat a female staff in six moves which either means she’s retarded or I’m some sort of savant.

Anyways, I’m usually drawn to those un-winable games. To name a few:

1.) The game where you drop a coin in a slot, it slides down, and you HOPE TO GOD it pushes the other coins over the ledge. This is the biggest tease game there is but THEY LOOK SO CLOSE TO FALLING.

2.) The game where you see the BONUS (500 TICKETS) if you can stop the light at the right moment. They should mention that the light, in fact, moves at the speed of light. High risk, high reward.

3.) THE CLAW GAME.

The Claw has existed since the beginning of time.

Back in medieval times, they’d use the claw to get stuff out of big holes. This much I know from the History Channel. I started to seize up in the lobby due to sensory overload because I had found THE BLING KING: a claw game with winning items such as gold scorpion necklaces and diamond infused jewelry. The net worth of all the items must have been worth well over 9 million tickets. I was struck by the lit-up box of goodies and felt I could now truly identify with Tom Hank’s character in Big. Maybe I wouldn’t age 30 years after playing the game, but it sure as hell could change my life.

I swiped my card to play. I did this because adults don’t use quarters. They use plastic cards to play children’s games. But this wasn’t a child’s game. The Claw is meant for men with dreams. Nobody has ever won playing the Claw. Maybe because it’s rigged or maybe nobody has wanted it bad enough. I had two female colleagues watching me. I say this because no great feat by man has ever really meant anything unless there’s at least one girl watching. I haven’t been to an all-male gym, but I can only imagine men stretching waiting for a woman to walk in wearing yoga pants.

“Whatever you win, you gotta wear tomorrow at work!”

I moved the claw with the remote control joy-stick. I had my eyes set on a watch in the back. It was not obstructed and it had a cash money sign on it and nothing says Special Educator like a watch with a money sign on it. I was running out of time. 3…2….1. Claw drops. Heart drops. Jackpot, bitches.

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Now if you’ll notice in the picture above, you’ll see two items. One the right, is the first claw-drop. CASH MONEY WATCH. Retail value: priceless. Made in China, Made for Men. But I was feelin’ lucky after I legitimately celebrated for 30 seconds. I mean, how often does one win a game like Bling King? I’ll tell you how often: EVERY TIME.

Because when I dropped the claw on turn two, the claw came back with a sterling silver bling chain. TWO FOR TWO on the Claw. Ladies and Jets, this happens once in a lifetime and you’re lucky enough to know the person it happened to.