We used to watch Cribs and Pimp My Ride. We’d marvel at Shaq’s 23 cars and wonder how big of a lift they were going to put on an ’84 Honda. But then, somewhere along the way, those shows–and MTV for that matter–weren’t so cool. I started paying taxes and wondered if someone could pimp my school debt.

And then, on some channel past ESPN, emerged a replacement. House pornography, my friends. HGTV.

It all started for me with House Hunters. Bill and Linda America were in search of their first home and WE WERE INVITED ON THE RIDE. Three mediocre houses to choose from on a 200,000 dollar budget. But these folks were likable and I really hoped Linda got the walk-in closet that she’d always dreamed of. In terms of house-porn, this was soft-core. After things got a little predictable, I needed something more.

LOVE IT OR LIST IT came along and swept me off my sofa. Hilary and David are the Peyton/Brady of real estate and I just can’t decide who will win each time. That’s entirely true. 80% of the time the people decide to LOVE IT because, as we all know, moving sucks balls and why move down the street when you have A NEW MAN CAVE. The best part of the show is how they completely renovate 1/10 of the house. It looks incredible but you can’t help to think how odd it looks in comparison to the mold invested bathroom downstairs they couldn’t get to. David is real snarky but never seems to get really upset when some bitchy wife refuses to move out of the hell-hole she fell in love with. That’s not as bad as the wife who implicitly acts like she’ll divorce the husband if she doesn’t get the home of her liking. Am I just hating on the women? Absolutely. I dare you to watch that show and find me a woman who wouldn’t SELL HER HUSBAND OFF FOR AN OPEN-FLOOR PLAN AND ABUNDANT CABINET SPACE.

Flip or Flop is kind of shitty but I still watch it like the rest of you reading this. I just keep watching hoping that some garage with poor foundation falls on that trophy wife. You do nothing but pick out the marble countertops and I hate you. The main guy–Zarek–he’s a real charmer, isn’t he? What kind of name is that, anyways? I’d never buy a renovated house from a Zarek. Sounds like a genie.

Property Brothers is just awful. Still watch it! If I had a dime for every time I googled “Are the Property Brothers Gay?” I’d have a dollar. That means I’ve done it 10 times for those keep tracking at home. These brothers’ faces are glued together with the same plastic you find on mannequins. It’s especially weird because of how they act towards each other. If I had a brother, which i don’t, I’d argue with him about money and shit, but these guys look like they’re one sale away from going on a date. I mean, that’s fine and everything but GOOGLE BEGS TO DIFFER.

Seriously, though. If I get stuck on the couch and a marathon of Love It or List It comes on, I’m screwed. It’s up there with 48 Hours Mystery, Apollo 13, and Forest Gump for shows I CANNOT STOP WATCHING. Wait a hot minute. Imagine a house-hunting show with Tom Hanks as the main guy? 

It’d be called Hanks’ Homes or Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Tom Hanks builds cabins and then gives them to deserving uncles. Some uncle with no arms and limbs. Maybe a veteran! It would be like Extreme Home Makeover but better because it’s Tom Hanks and not Ty Pennington.