The ironic thing about my love for the Food Nework is that I’m really not into food. Yeah, I like a nice steakhouse and breakfast place, but I’m by no means a foodie. I usually eat for sustenance. Just ask a few ex-roomates and they’ll verify some dinners of 2 bananas or a bowl of home fries. Couple this with about nine thousand arguments with girlfriends that went like this:

Do you want dessert?

Nah, I’m not really a dessert-person.

Well, I’m not going to eat it alone.

Why not? Just get it.

No.

[awkward tension]

[repeat x 8 years]

Now these cooking shows don’t quite rival my love for home-building shows but you can only watch so many episodes of Flip or Flop before you realize you’re never going to be a homeowner and your tears short-circuit the remote.

Let’s start with the bottom of the barrel.

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Mother-bleeping Guy Fieri. Guy is the Nickleback of the Food world. I’d like to dunk his frosted-tip head into a deep fryer and have him yell uncle. I bet he’d eat one of his fried locks of hair and say, “Hmmmm, now this is a fried lock of hair!” The guy–Guy–has that shit-eating grin all the time and loves everything. JUST ONCE I want him to throw up on camera. But it won’t happen because he truly does like everything. And someone who treats a corn dog like a goddamn filet mignon is no critic in my book.

Chopped. Chopped seems to me to be the Road Rules of the Food Network. I feel like it’s season 78 and people keep watching. And I’m one of those people. WHAT’S FASCINATING is how a show like this, or any cooking contest show for that matter, can succeed. Because unlike The Voice, Building Shows, etc…we can’t actually participate in the talent. We are relying completely on the judges to tell us if what we are looking at actually tastes good. For all we know, Chris Santos might have heard some chef call him fat so he decides he’s going to say her steak tastes like shit. WE JUST DON’T KNOW, guys! But there we are…salivating over some dish that we can’t have. And would we even order it knowing the secret ingredient was horse liver? I don’t know but I do know I’ve wanted people chopped because their background story wasn’t sad enough. You show me a single dad cooking for his daughter and I’ll show you the goddamn winner. WHY DO I TEAR UP? Like these people had grown up wanting to be a winner on a reality-cooking show their whole life? It’s funny when there’s kitchen drama, though. Like when someone cuts their finger or slips on the floor. It’s a goddamn Nascar race in there and we’re all kind of hoping somebody burns their face on a skillet. Nothing beats when someone’s oven breaks and the other person just stares at them and continues cooking.

I could go on and on about other shows but I really want to take some time to dedicate this to what may be, the most perfect woman on the planet. (**besides my girlfriend who refuses to acknowledge she reads this but I know you do.)

Growing up it was Pamela Anderson from Baywatch. Now you have some Beyonce, Jessica Alba had a stint in ’01, and there’s some fans of Rhianna. I don’t know who the kids are fantasizing about these days but my money, and my heart, is all on GIADA.

Biggest food porn star in the game. An absolute, sneaky smoke show. One part Joey Potter, one part Natalie Portman, seven part goddess. Yeah, she can cook and that’s a nice little perk but there’s just so much more. She’s got the golden ratio of cute to hot and the charisma that keeps me on the channel even though she’s making food I KNOW I don’t like. I WILL NEVER USE THIS RECIPE BUT I’M STILL WATCHING, GIADA. Screw that tweaking stuff, WE’RE MAKING PASTRIES. There’s just something about her that lets every guy know it’s ok that you’re watching football all day Sunday, she’s just putting some wings in the fridge for later.

And she came from such humble beginnings!

Ugly duckling to sparkling swan, Jets. Yeah she wore braces but now she wears a sexy apron. That’s not true. It’s probably just a regular apron.

Anyways, feel free to add some of your favorites in the comment section. If you have anything bad to say about Giada then you can go eat a bag of dicks. Pun definitely intended. Guy Fieri is fair game, though. He’s just a dick.