I had a top 5 soak while in California. It would be at least the second soak-related gift I’ve received from my girlfriend. Some fathers like golf stuff. Some girls like jewelry. Some people like hot tubs. It works. 

When I found out that the place was a hot tub resort–and that there was such a thing as a hot tub resort–I was both excited and dismayed. Every idea and service is taken, I thought. Maybe my resort would be better? Nevertheless, I looked forward to the foreign experience with eager anticipation. I was so dry!

The fact that the sign at the opening gate referred to the act of going into a hot tub as a “soak” told me this was a place that knew what was up. This wasn’t amateur hour. They breathe the soak just like me, through hot tub gills.

The way the “resort” works is you rent out a hot tub for anywhere between 1-10 people. There are some “specials,” like they one we’d enjoy, where rose-petals are scattered around the tub overlooking a romantic city landscape. I saw something that looked like a promo on the wall that touted this resort as the same place “Seen on Flava of Love.” Would I be soaking amongst the greats? I don’t know. You can bet a gigantic clock has been submersed in the water, though.

There were other couples waiting and gearing up for a soak. I’ll note that this was at 10:00 PM on a WEEKDAY and the place was bubblin’. I did wonder, though, what types of groups were coming here? Were any of these people on a first or second date? Can you imagine the audacity or awkwardness to bring someone there on an early date? Yeah, I’m going to bring you to a private hot tub. Nothing but chivalry, I promise!

We made our way to our private tub, led by an enthusiastic man. I’m not sure what his job title was but I’d like to think of him as our Hot Tub Liaison. The tub itself was a 7 out of 10 (standard rating) but the view and setting put it in a top 5 soak for sure. I always say top 5 for everything because I’m always fearful of forgetting and regretting.

I looked around the perimeter of our private cabin (nobody can see you) and came across a sign I hadn’t seen before. I golf-clapped inside my head. This owner is covering all his bases! It read this:

BRAVO! BRAVO! First off, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the term “active diarrhea.” Is there a such thing as “passive diarrhea?” If so, I can tell you I’ve only had the active kind. I’m not sure the sign will actually work (“Ohhhhh, I’m sorry. I had the active diarrhea 5 days ago so we need to cancel this, baby”) but it sure does send a message.

You can bring in your own drinks which may spell trouble for some but I brought cranberry juice for hydration. A two-hour rental/soak is no easy task, Jets. Show me someone that routinely soaks for two hours and I’ll show you a human raisin. The H.T.L (Hot Tub Liaison) also asks you about the temperature before he leaves you alone. “Do you want it hotter?”

YES WE WANT IT HOTTER! ALWAYS HOTTER THANK YOU!

The soak went splendidly except for the fact that I regretted such a bold statement to the HTL because thats a long time to soak in extreme heat. This wasn’t some tepid bath of 100 degrees, people. 104 for sure. Someone please make me a t-shirt that says “104 for sure.” Please and thank you.

We made our way back up the precipice overlooking the city lights when I spotted a red, sporty Lexus parked on the hill. This was a park of sorts so the car was definitely out of place. Next to it, was a trailer home. My mind began to race. So many questions and so much dehydration!

We go to get our keys back (they take your keys I guess to prevent the soak and run) and I just had to ask the man:

“What’s up with the trailer?”

“The owner lives there.”

WHAT?

There’s few things and stories that consume my thoughts. The OJ Simpson case, LOST, and how wireless printers work are a few of them. But now I had this HUMAN ENGIMA on my mind. Here’s what I knew:

1.) Drove a brand new Lexus

2.) Lived in a trailer next to 20 hot tubs

3.) Owned a hot tub resort

Part of me wanted to introduce myself like Charlie Sheen did to Gordon Gekko in Wall Street.

“I’ll do whatever you want. I just want in.”

But the other part of me was a little bit creeped out. There were signs in the main lobby about “cameras.” Was this guy live streaming couples in hot tubs? Was he a creep? Or was he a philanthropist of sorts, spending only money on things he cared about–hot tubs and cars. De he derive pleasure from giving people the soak of their dreams? I don’t know and maybe I’ll never know.

What I do know, and it occurred to me during this black-dot fueled gaze, is that the hot tub resort ranks only behind the wheel, the screen-shot feature, and Netflix as the greatest ideas in history.