I don’t have a clever way of easing into this.

I watch The Voice and I fucking love it. There’s something uniquely American about watching you-look-28-but-you’re-15 year old kids, and following their journey of getting pimped out by NBC. This shouldn’t be news to anyone who knows me. Extreme Home Makeover, Undercover Boss, and now The Voice–all shows that can tug at my heart strings in 8 seconds flat.

For those of you who don’t watch, let me break it down for you. In the first few weeks, singers are showcased but NOT BEFORE they give you a sneak peak into the back-stories of each one. Typically you get one of the following stories:

  • Dad abandoned me so every time I sing it’s for my mother who stuck by me
  • Someone has cancer/sickness
  • I’m gay and music helps me express myself
  • My dad wants me to be a doctor but I dropped out to sing on the street

Some of the stories are genuinely sad. Others seem to be forced by NBC in hopes of generating sympathy. I thought I had heard it all. And then came Sonic.

Meet Sonic. Eccentric and sassy. Born and raised in San Francisco. We begin to hear a rather interesting story. Signed to a record label, record never came out. Devastating. But then Carson comes in and the answer just blew my mind. (Go to 1:10 in the video)

What have been some of the hardest challenges for you in your pursuit of music?

I literally laughed off and on for 30 minutes after hearing this fucking sob story. DEAF IN ONE EAR. A CABLE FIRST. OUR FIRST DEAF IN ONE EAR HEROINE.

Listen, Sonic. I’m absolutely rooting against you. For those of you don’t know me, I TOO AM DEAF IN ONE EAR. And let me tell you that this is the biggest load of shit ever. I can’t even blame NBC for this because the girl absolutely volunteers this information AS HER BIGGEST STRUGGLE. AND THEN THE MOM CRIES. ANNDDDDD if you kept watching the show (like I do) you know that she DROPS the “I’M DEAF” bomb on the judges. Un-fucking-believable.

Let me tell you about being deaf in one ear. Apart from the occasional “What???” and turning your head awkwardly when someone is on your “deaf side” this “disability” ranks somewhere after AD/HD and having flat feet. Does this even make it on the spectrum of sympathy??? I couldn’t believe this girl was throwing this garbage out on national television. As far as I’m concerned, being deaf in one ear means I can’t ever get drafted so I’m pretty OK with that. And when I worked at Dunkin Donuts they never put me on the headset at drive-thru because, well, you need two good ears. So GUESS WHAT SONIC? I THINK YOU’RE EXAGGERATING YOUR HARD LIFE.

And the mother cried! You want to know how my deaf story goes? It goes a little something like this. (My source is my mother)

[I’m watching TV, two feet away. 3 years old] Scott. ScOtt. SCOTT. SCOTT.

NANCY. NANCY. HE’S NOT RESPONDIN’. HE’S EITHER DEAF OR RETAH-DID, NANCY!

And then I went to the doctor’s, tapped on a few tables when I didn’t hear a beep, and BAM: deaf in one ear. REAL GLAMOROUS SHIT.

The audacity of using this as cry-worthy is laughable. Ever since I saw it, I knew I had to set the record straight. So help me God if I found out people were actually sympathizing with this girl for her “deafness” I’d die. You know, because there’s actually these people who can’t hear a thing. I think that’s a little more note-worthy. Because you know, sound does travel, and well, makes it to the other ear. It’s science.

HEY SONIC. I HOPE YOU GET VOTED OFF. I LIKED YOUR VOICE LAST EPISODE AND YOU’RE KIND OF PRETTY EVEN WITH YOUR METAL PIERCING LIABILITY BUT YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO US HALF-EARS. I HOPE YOU HEAR THESE CAP-LOCK FUELED WORDS.