It’s important to be informed. And if you’re not informed, that’s ok, because it’s my job to give you relevant news and sound hot tub advice.

BREAKING:

Three deaths linked to tainted ice cream in Kansas, prompting recall. (AP)

I haven’t read about news this good since that grizzly bear got caught in a tree and fell out onto a trampoline!(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa1pIO4_lUY) The only thing missing from THIS news story are three individuals filmed having the Screams. And again, if you don’t know what the ‘Screams’ are, it’s when you simultaneously puke and shit. It’s horrible, or so my friend Phil tells me.

Back to the story.

Bottom line is this: some people had a scoop of bacteria-flavored ice-cream in a milkshake and died. It’s all quite terrible, for sure, especially since people stopped drinking milkshakes in the ’50s. Maybe the milk was just from then and really, really expired. Anways, my suggestion to my Tub followers is to ask yourself the question I’m going to ask myself: could I REALLY die from eating ice-cream infused with bacteria? NOPE. Because I’ve never tried the flavor that’s in the article so I’m SET for life. This logic has gotten me quite far in life. I bestow this knowledge on my students too. When I showed Food, Inc. to a class of mine (not for any real reason other than I didn’t want to teach that day) I felt so, so proud when it finished.

So what did you guys get out of the movie?

Not to eat at McDonalds. Obviously. That’s why I eat at Burger King.

Proudest moment of my career. 

Anyways. The article wasn’t that exciting. An ice-cream flavor and brand I’ll never have and a place I’ll never visit–Kansas. But the real story is the story BEHIND the story. Kind of like VH1’s Behind the Music. You MUST read the fine print. And what’s the fine print in all of this dairy discussion? The freaking COMMENT SECTION!!!! Now, I typically shutter over the use of more than one exclamation point but if there’s ever a time and subject to devote to exclamation, IT’S THE COMMENT SECTION OF ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET. Seriously, between Ferguson and this ice-cream fiasco, I’ve read the equivalent of nine novels in comments. Nine Dickens’ novels at that.

The comments–for those of you cave-dwellers who don’t know–really shed light at the core issues and what grinds the gears of the readers. If you read enough of them, you’ll get a real sense of what is eating at the heart of America. AND THEY’RE NOT EATING ICE-CREAM!

Sorry.

Let’s kick it off with our top commenter, Nancy.

Nancy Paulos-Maxwell · Top Commenter · White Bear Lake High School

Great… thanks to all those sick illegals Obama is shoving over the border. America now as a resurgence of lelprosy, measles, TB, bed bugs, flesh eating disease, etc.

Woooaaaahhhh, Nancy! BURN!

Nancy kicks off the ice-cream debate with some heavy handed political attacks. She’s from White Bear Lake High School everyone, but her profile icon tells me she’s about 50 years old. This tells me she has a HS level education or perhaps she’s like many of the wide receivers in the NFL who prefer to acknowledge their HS over their 4-year college. She’s white so chances are she’s simply a White Bear alum. My initial thought was that she was angry about the story and from Kansas. Maybe she had a friend who ate the ice cream! But some high-level research on Google tells me that White Bear Lake High is in Minnesota! That’s why we fact-check, people! Surprises all over the internet.

I’m grateful for Nancy because I was sitting at my computer thinking this story was just about ice-cream and people dying but apparently I’m just a hot-tub crazed, buffoon. Obama is just THROWING people over the border. And Nancy’s logic follows that these people are carrying what I’m calling DDS. Dairy Death Sentences. Your hard-earned tax dollars are funding these DDS-ridden leeches. I’m not going to fact-check Obama’s involvement because the 58 ‘likes’ Nancy got tells me she’s definitely onto something and one of those 58 must have checked her research.

Drew Comree Rivera ·  Miami Dade College

racist
Reply · Like · 20 · 23 hours ago

Drew did NOT like Nancy’s attacks and simply went with a simple but effective ‘racist’ bomb. He IS college educated (though I don’t exactly know any Miami Dade alumnus) but let’s be honest. Only 20 likes to Nancy’s 58? Let’s pencil in Nancy for the win on this one!

Gary Gunnels ·
I am waiting for Obama to weigh in, maybe ban ice cream, try to blame Bush, or if any of the patients were black scream race is the cause and call for Al Sharpton to come to the White house for a meeting. I am surprised Obama has not wanted the White House painted black so he can change the name.
Reply · Like · 16 · Follow Post · 22 hours ago

Gary fucking Gunnels. Sounds like the name of a sheriff. You know what, Gary? You ARE the sheriff of this comment battle. With 16 likes you can say whatever you want. Calling the White House the Black House!? Boo ya, Gary! Not sure I see how we got from ice-cream to Obama to Sharpton but kudos for the fuzzy connections. Gary, I have just the game for you: Tribond.

Don Berry ·  Lockport, Illinois
I’m sure the lax government standards and regulations, to say nothing of enforcement, in the great (red) state of Texas, had nothing to do with it. (just like fertilizer plants blowing up for no reason are just “sh! t happens”).
Reply · Like · 3 · 22 hours ago

Ahhhh WHOOMP THERE IT IS. Don chimes in with an uppercut to Texas! Now again, the story about ice-cream is in Kansas but let’s be honest–anything west of New York is the midwest… AM I RIGHT DON! Oh, wait. Just 3 likes? You’re comment is irrelevant and borderline crazy. That’s obvious and supported by a respected Security Engineer.

Robert Clark · Security Engineer at HMS HOLDINGS INC
I am reading through the posts and see that some are taking this opportunity to attack Texas. I find this disconcerting in the extreme and would like to ask why you hold such a belief? I am proud of my state. I do not agree with every political decision or politician from here, but the people of this state are proud and tend to get a bit upset when someone not from here, who may have never even set foot in the state, makes blanket statements about what we believe; Kind of like they were insulting our Mommas.
Reply · Like · 7 · Follow Post · Edited · 21 hours ago

Robert Clark with a even-keeled response! Actually, I retract that. He felt offended for his entire state based off a poorly written comment. And he edited his post which is a dead give-away that he spent a ton of time crafting his response. 7 Texans ‘liked’ the comment but again, since this was about Kansas and ice-cream deaths, you are awarded no points Robert for making this all about yourself and Texas. Shame on you.

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So what do we take away from all of this, Jets?

I’m not sure, exactly. Are we safe to indulge in ice-cream? This I don’t know. But I do know these comments sure do smell of LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.

FOR THE WIN.