Scrolling through my checking account only confirmed what I already knew: I spend way too much money at Dunkin Donuts. Borderline disgusting. Every day, and this may directly relate to my stomach issues, consists of two glazed (honey-dip for you old-schoolers) donuts, medium iced coffee black, and hash browns. Sometimes I’ll throw in a banana just to make myself feel better emotionally. By the way…is it possible to eat the DD hash browns and not smell like them for 48 hours? Those things carry as much odor per square centimeter as anything on the planet.

But I can’t help but feel the yearning every morning. The yearning for the greatest product they ever made.

THE BISCUIT

I’ll be honest. I’m not even sure I’ve had a biscuit anywhere else. Maybe it has nothing to do with DD. Maybe biscuits are wheat-gifts from God. But those things, BY THEMSELVES, cream my twinkie.  Add a little melted butter to it and throw me in a hot tub… I’ll be dead in a minute. Happiness overdose.

BUT THEY ARE GONE. How do you just get rid of your best product? I have uncles that own many Dunkin Donuts’ but this makes me no closer to understanding such a mystery. I was told they “didn’t sell well.” REALLY? And THE FRENCH CRULLER SELLS BETTER THAN THE BISCUIT? What the hell is a French Cruller? It’s not even easy to say. Is it a ‘long’ u or a ‘short’ u? I don’t know, I’m not ordering it.

There was a Dunkin Donuts in South Portland, Maine that sold the biscuit LONG after all the other stores stopped. I thought about relocating there for the rest of my life. And then corporate must have found out and ended that run. Devastating. Pretty much the reason why I moved back to Massachusetts. I’m not asking for you all to sign some sort of petition like those people who want to bring back horrible TV shows. I’m just too lazy for that shit. I’m just letting you know my donut intake is getting to be an issue and I walk into work every day with a suspicious glaze on my pants. I think my colleagues are talking about it but I can’t be sure.