It’s confession time again andddd ED SHEERAN.
I’m not 100% gay but I did grow up with three sisters. I like The Voice, Ed Sheeran, and Runaway Bride. I value your judgment zero percent on this. AND I watched Punky Brewster growing up so if you have a problem with that, go Cherry yourself into a cold refrigerator.
But as much as I don’t mind writing about Ed Sheeran on The Tub, it’s a whole different level of humility needed when finding someone to go to the concert with via social media. It’s one thing to just listen to the music in the car–by yourself–windows down, pretending you can hit that falsetto. But it’s a whole new bag of dicks when you need to make a practical life plan on how to get a man to stand next to you at an Ed Sherran concert. Honestly, it’s the life equivalent of when I need sun lotion on my back at the beach and my only option is the one dude I showed up with.
Take that back. You have THREE options in said scenario 1.) Get a third degree sunburn. 2.) Have Brendan awkwardly lather you up or 3.) Ask a random female to lather you up and risk her calling the police. All of them end up with you looking like an asshole and I’ve crossed all three off my bucket list.
With my girlfriend in California, there’s a real problem finding someone to go to Ed with. I can’t just ask some random girl to go with me or I’m at serious risk of getting my one functioning ear chopped off. So what are my options!? Ask some guy friends to go to Mohegan Sun where he’s playing and then say, “Ohhh woopsadaisy! Looks like I have some ED SHEERAN tickets here. How about we check it out and see the girls there! JUST KIDDING GUYS. I HATE HIM TOO?
Just a bad spot to be in. The guy’s new CD is straight fire and I’m sorry if you’re too cool for school to say so. You can’t even hate on the guy because every girl likes his voice. He’s not the smooth, good-looking asshole who shows up to every house party who not-so-causually takes out his guitar. He looks fucking homeless and I don’t think he’s showered since he met Taylor Swift. He’s been shitting out #1 hits at the expense of his own hygiene. ALL FOR US. Heath Ledger made a similar sacrifice but instead of greasy hair and smelly pits, well, you know, he’s dead. He’s pretty much the Jesus of cinema and quite possibly the real reason we celebrated Easter last week.
AND MAYBE I AM BIASED with Ed Sheeran’s ginger origins. But IS IT SO WRONG THAT THERE’S A REDHEADED SEX SYMBOL OUT THERE NOW? Christ, I’d say it’s been ____ years since we had our last one but I honestly can’t think of a single one. Conan O’Brien is the most famous ginger I can think of. People LIKE Conan but in that “Hey, I met Conan O’Brien, cool guy!” type of way. Ed has assumed the role as the only redhead on the planet with sex appeal. Now, while I think he looks gross, I am totally on board with perpetuating the illusion that red hair is hot. I mean I know it’s secondary to the fact that he can play the guitar and has the voice but…fuck. I mean, maybe there’s hope for some of us. For me. I mean, I do magic. I’m a goddamn magician. That has to count for something. I INSPIRE KIDS ONE TRICK AT A TIME. Christ this kid is ugly.