Ladies and Gents! Throw on those bright and tight swim trunks and put your toes in the water because The Tub is back! Cue the jets! We may not be operating at the perfect 104 degrees but with some hard work and a red, banana hammock, we can get  back to greatness.

I’d like to tell you my months-long hiatus from the blog was for some really good reason. I got TOO big, like Dave Chapelle and just took off to Africa! Who is kidding who? I’m far more likely to take off to Argentina. You’d read about my real-life 48 Hours Mystery where I’m found naked in la biblioteca. That means library.

Donde esta el gringo que le gusta los jacuzzis? No se, señor!

Like a middle-aged man navigating Ashley Madison for the first time, I don’t know where to begin this quest. So stay with me. I’m a little dried out from a lack of soaks and quite frankly, I feel like a mer-man out of water.

Taylor Swift is still in the news. She brought Lisa Kudrow up on stage recently to sing “Smelly Cat.” That’s so funny because so many of your 18 year old fans are LISA KUDROW fans. “Who’s that old woman on stage” they whisper as they snap pictures of the woman who must be important. First off, FRIENDS was never a great show. Nine girls reading that just..can’t even. It’s the Big Bang Theory of 1996. You throw it on as background noise as you post a few dinner pics on Instagram. The best part of Friends was the Rembrandts theme song and I legit didn’t have to look up who sang that song because I HAD THE CD. How about that for a curveball? I also had the Titanic soundtrack because I was going through a thing? I don’t know! It was 1997 and I got dumped for the first time on AOL Instant Messenger.

Anyways, EVERY girl I’ve ever dated has loved Friends. It’s a chick show and that’s fine. You can be Rachel while your other friend is Monica while I’ll pretend someone didn’t say “You’re Ross!” to me back in ’99. This Taylor Swift stunt was the epitome of trying to be cool. Like when your uncle wears a flat-brimmed hat like all the kids do. And almost like when my dad tried to bond with me over Hootie and the Blowfish but totally different, because those were the best times of my life. Let her cryyy.

I saw an article pop up on Facebook a little while back that was more or less called “Would You Bang Mark Cuban” on that feminist magazine Jezebel.

Would you have sex with Mark Cuban? I thought women hated men for magazines like this. Degrading! I don’t care at all. It provides just the right amount of hypocrisy for me to stare at someone in yoga pants without getting in trouble.  Now in terms of the article’s profound question, I wouldn’t have sex with Cuban buuuutttttttt I’d tickle his feet, I think. That’s ok, right? Guy is a savage! I do like Shark Tank but it has nothing to do with that. It’s because he had a hand in the High-Definition TV movement and that alone puts him on a pedestal with the likes of Darwin, Ty Pennington, and John Wick.

But back to the article.

I was just real curious about the comment section and it didn’t disappoint (Side note: I think I’ve read the equivalent of 8 novels this year in comment sections).

Here lies the difference between men and women:


emfish55 BabyGotFront
Wait, is he attractive? Because while I don’t find him ugly or anything, he’s way too generic for me to actually be attracted to him. I think people maybe find him attractive because he’s rich and confident, so they read more into his looks than are actually there. Like if Mark Cuban were the manager of your local Best Buy, there is no way you’d fantasize about banging him.

That comment is just way to logical. Emfish55 really considered the question. Thought about it, and gave us her reasoning behind it.

What would a guy say to a similar question? The answers would be horrific. If I could just find a similar type of question posed to men and find their responses!

Just kidding. They are everywhere. Here are some from Barstool Sports on some picture of a girl:


by motesa
August 28, 2015 at 11:09 pm
This girl is a soft 6. Her face looks like she smokes a pack of morobouroghs a day. Tight stomach but chunky thighs. Some stock broker will marry her young and she will put a “freshman 40″ on in the first year.

by byetimothy
August 28, 2015 at 11:59 pm
That sushi box looks fucking amazing

And there it is, folks. The lesser of the species. But I mean there’s a spectrum of humanity, right? We may be on one end of the spectrum… but we’re on the same one.