HAPPY LAAA-BAH-DAY Weekend, everyone! That was a “Long A” where you read it as the letter soundJUUST in case you read that wrong.

How are ya? Good? Not good? Good! I’m good. Thanks for thinking of me.

It’s Labor Day weekend and you know what that means! An extra day to sleep in and sales at J-CREW. Yup, I know. Just so very American of me to think of the holiday in such a way but I can’t help myself. Freeport, Maine and the outlets–well, we get along really well. I don’t even like to shop, really. I’ve been to the mall two times in the past 3 years maybe. But at the outlets you can get those nice clothes the mannequins wear for near-Walmart prices. How pathetic is it when you go up to the store clerk and say, “Hey, where do I find this?” pointing to the mannequin? Pathetic, for sure but I can’t be the only one doing it.

I DOUBT IT.

I was taking a walk with my girlfriend recently because we’re definitely on board with being active but not so sure we’re ready to  show how out of shape we are to strangers. She brought up the man-boob video I told her about. This is the time where you probably need some background information.

After my vacation to the Dominican, I sorted through my photos and realized that half were beautiful and half needed to be destroyed. Due to either paleness or a slight detectable man-boob, the photos need to just… not exist. She said they looked fine but I swear I smelled a little bit of disgust coming off of her. Either way, those photos were all it took for me to get back to the gym. I’m a big advocate of self-fat shaming. I don’t get the media’s push to end fat-shaming. If I’m having trouble getting to the gym, I just take off my shirt, sit in a chair, lean a little bit forward, and then take a selfie. Do it. “Sitting down” shape is really the quintessential test of fitness. And I was failing it. So when I returned to the gym on a regular basis, I also looked on Youtube for videos on getting rid of man-boobs. Now, I don’t really have them but behind the prostate exam and skunks, getting man boobs is my #3 fear. The man-boob video was a funny curiosity and a real-life future fear.

So there is your context, so we can return to our walk conversation:

Well I didn’t really learn anything. There’s man-boobs that develop because of your diet and then there’s the man-boobs that develop because of abnormal hormone levels. I don’t think I’m a candidate for either.

Maybe it’s all the sugar that you drink, babe.

MAYBE IT’S ALL THE SUGAR YOU DRINK, BABE. This is the moment in which my soul left my body and drifted down Route 77 in Maine. The statement was an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. She’s OFFERING A REASON for something I DO NOT BELIEVE EXISTS. She’s going to be upset I wrote this but that quote is a direct quote. A direct quote filled with emotional daggers.

Just hideous.

Off to Planet Fitness with the rest of them.