Jets,

I have some questions I’d like to address. Some things we don’t talk about enough, or maybe, we’ve simply moved on from. If I’m writing about them, they’re obviously important.

YOUR SPEED SIGNS

I’m not trying to be funny. I honestly don’t understand these things. I’ve been driving for 15 years now and still don’t have a clue on their purpose. I think they operate on Irish guilt. Do they keep data on these things? I’ll be honest. Part of me thinks there’s a little computer in that sign that relays a signal to an officer who then gets a picture of my plate. I have no evidence to suggest this happens and a quick Wikipedia search just concluded that this belief is unfounded. A study showed that these signs reduce speeds between 1-5 mph. Really? What is the cost analysis of this operation? I’m for creating jobs and frankly, I’d prefer an old man waving his arms yelling “Slooooowwwwwww down.” This past Sunday an old guy in Maine was on his lawn and gave me this “Slow down, I HAVE GRAND KIDS” look. Was I mad and ashamed? Absolutely. Did I slow down? Absolutely. I say more jobs, more shame. I’m trade-marking this slogan as the Bernie Sanders.

MALAYSIAN FLIGHT 370

While some of you Jets are wondering about Lamar Odom, I’m over here wondering WHERE DID THAT PLANE GO? Sure, it dominated the news for two weeks when everyone that went to flight school had a theory. But then another story came along and just like the plane, POOF, we moved on. WELL I DIDN’T MOVE ON. I haven’t been this perplexed by a news story since the Oceanic 7 and that wasn’t even real. Well, it was real to me and Jack’s father was an asshole even in heaven.

Anyways. I spited all of you when I watched a Netflix PBS documentary on this plane THAT WE STILL DON’T KNOW ABOUT. Some of the plane was just found recently NO WHERE NEAR the flight path but some of you don’t know this because you have other stories to follow? Why can’t we get some 9/11 truthers on this? Can we at least get a Youtube clip with some asshole narration about how the US government was involved? I need something dammit. I’m waiting for the movie to come out about those two escaped convicts but until then, we need our best and brightest on this because as I mentioned, a plane disappeared and we can’t find all of it and don’t know what happened. Let’s get those families (and me) some closure.

PSYCHICS

I’m going to hit you with some hard truths here. Psychics are bullshit. Absolute bullshit. And you know what? A good amount of you probably agree with me. BUT WHY DO THESE PEOPLE never get called out? They have TV shows and currently make up a billion dollar business. Here’s what blows my mind. Nobody seems to hesitate for a minute to criticize religion. Go to a message board about McDonald’s Dollar-menu and 5 comments down you’ll find yourself in a rabbit-hole debate about radical Islam and whether or not evolution exists. People devote their lives to religious beliefs that are far more credible than the idea that a human being can talk to the dead. You know that question people ask that goes like “If God exists, why do bad things happen?” Well let me tell you something, Jets. If psychics exist THEN WHY ARE YOU OPERATING OUT OF A ONE BEDROOM SUITE using an old-deck of cards? Pretty sure I’d be using my powers better than that. Oh, what’s that? Those are the ‘fake’ psychics? The real ones can’t predict the lottery, either? Why not? They can only talk to random deceased people? That’s like a superhero that can only fly 2 seconds at at time.

Harry Houdini made it his life goal to find someone who could talk to his dead mother and well, he didn’t find that person. He offered huge sums of money and for that Harry is a great American. He wasn’t born here but you get it.  They were all frauds, uncovered and exposed by one of the greatest frauds (in a good, magical sense) of all time.

This guy is the worst. John Edwards. There was the other John Edwards–politician– who cheated on his wife and had a baby with another woman. This guy is much worse.  But nobody calls these people out. We just dismiss the thousands of bogus readings and then tell all our friends that “there’s just no way he could have known that.” That story spreads like a horrific case of you know what and there’s another TLC special featuring a stay-at-home psychic. The most interesting part of this is how they sleep at night living this lie. I think we’re dealing with certified sociopaths.

I’m done. I don’t understand psychics and the free-pass they get.

I’m also afraid of flying kites. I told my girlfriend that recently and her head exploded. That fear, and it’s roots, are still far less interesting than the missing plane.