Pardon my emotions, but I just finished watching the last of Parenthood and tears plus a keyboard equal possible electrocution. I’ll say this: there hasn’t been a show with as much heart since The Wonder Years. Doesn’t mean it’s the best show but it does mean exactly what I said.

So it’s a new year, Jets. 2016.

I really don’t care for New Years Eve like most people over 25. It’s more of a status holiday than Valentine’s Day and that’s saying something. It doesn’t really have much to do with me not drinking because for someone who HATES the idea of a cover charge or waiting in line, there really is no worse day now or pre-2010. But I’m not necessarily anti-New Years Resolutions. I don’t typically make them myself, and I do get annoyed with the new crowds at my beloved Planet Fitness, but I do like a nice feel-good story. Like when someone drops 150 pounds or something. Always gives me the feelies. These feel-good vibes usually dissipate when some girl says she’s swearing off men forever. Nobody believes you.

The holidays were good for this hot tub enthusiast. I broke a real dry-spell and soaked on many occasions. Between the 2-day getaway I took and the guest fee I paid at my friend’s gym, each soak cost about $50 which isn’t exactly sustainable. But you know, it was the holidays, and you gotta treat yourself. I even hit the steam room several times and let me tell you, if you soak and steam back-to-back you’re really pushing the envelope. I’ve never been one for warning signs (see Rehab stint) so I did engage in the two high-heat activities several times. I didn’t black out which tells me my stamina is good for now. B+ stamina right now. I can always improve and have that to look forward to in 2016.

I was feeling pretty solid about my silent resolution (not telling anyone) of watching less TV and reading more when I came across a post from a certain Mark Zuckeberg on Facebook and his resolution:

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Yup. Just casually going to build an Artificial Intelligence to help out around the house. In one Facebook post he reveals why he’s Zuckerberg and I’m a magic teacher. The absolute definition of a humblebrag right there. I find some solace in the fact that I don’t think he can pull an ace of spades out of a lemon like I can but then again he probably owns the internet and can just look it up.

I’m going to double-spite him by creating a Facebook page on his Facebook site for The Tub so it’s easier for you to locate these life-changing posts. Please ‘like’ every single one and tell me so because ‘likes’ equal respect and that’s all we want, right?  I also vow to donate a dollar for each ‘like’ to myself so I can buy a hot tub for myself and stop paying 12$ a visit to pretend to work out when I really just want to show up in my neon-green bathing suit.

I’ll wrap this up by telling you that when I came home from the gym tonight, I walked inside, and suddenly there was this horrific spark/electrical issue with my headphones. It happened in my left ear only (what the hell are the chances of this?) and it hurt like a bastard. It was a static-shock in my eardrum but guess what earbuds? Already deaf! And while it provided a fleeting sense of trauma, I’m over it.

Part of me DID hope that there would be some sort of Rookie of the Year fallout.

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You know, when the kid BREAKS his arm but suddenly can throw 100 mph.  ‘Reverse-injury’ I think the Disney scientists call it. So when I got that volt of electricity in my left ear I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this is my  Henry moment. But of course, it was not. Just made it more deaf, I guess. I’ve heard ‘deader than a doornail.’ Maybe there’s a deafer than a doldrum? It’s alliterative. Whatever.

If you’re lost for a resolution and would like to have one, I’m suggesting this gem from a man who would have been the greatest magic teacher of all time. He wasn’t, but he was a teacher. Mr. Feeny.

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