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It’s such a humbling moment to know that we’re sending people to space, Zuckerberg is making robot-maids, and I’m still shrinking my clothes in a goddamn dryer.

Just a demoralizing thing to happen when I made a conscious effort to not do it. Nearly a $100 sweater and it looks like I’m 8 years old with these tight sleeves and bottom part that barely reaches my belt. The students are all going to laugh at me. You can’t just toss it out, it’s too new and expensive. That’s like cutting a 1st round pick after training camp. You just gotta humble yourself, cry a little bit inside, and move on. I own 6 or 7 of these things and 3 of them are currently fitted for a bulky toddler. If you have fat kids and need some warmer clothes for the winter, let’s talk about a trade.

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I heard David Spade on the WTF podcast yesterday–the one hosted by comedian, Mark Maron. I’ve seen Tommy Boy probably 50-100 times which puts it at the top, next to Shawshank Redemption for movies I’ve seen the most. But this is of no interest or importance to you unlessssssssss we’re in some sort of competition. And if we’re in a competition, just kidding, I’ve seen it a thousand times.

But I found it APPALLING that Spade said he NEVER went to Chris Farley’s funeral. Just baffled. He said it was ‘too much.’ I totally understand being an absolute mess at a funeral. I’ve gotten so emotional that I’ve slowly developed techniques to just avoid the all-out flood. I suggest a firm No eye-contact rule and also suggest having a dialogue in your head that’s completely unrelated to the gravity of the moment. It’s the opposite of ‘staying present,’ it’s selfish, and probably disrespectful to the deceased. Nevertheless, effective 80% of the time.

I say ‘disrespectful’ because I’d want everyone to cry at my funeral so I’d feel disrespected. Would you want 500 stoic people at your funeral or 50 BUT everyone is so devastated that they’d postpone it because everyone was too sad? Call me a narcissist for asking that question, I don’t care. By the way, nobody will be that sad at mine because there will be hot tubs for everyone. First group to fill up the hot tub with tears gets all my assets!

I cry at funerals of people I don’t even know.  Can’t tell you how many times my mom has had us kids go to random people’s funerals to show we’re good, wholesome children. I don’t mean totally random. That would be weird. She knew the person. Ugh, then we do that empathetic but awful thing when we project the death of the person into your own life. Oh, he was a dad? What if this was my dad? Oh my god. This is horrible. 

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This must be why I like those feel-good reality shows so much.  Imagine Scott, your boss gives you $25,000 for being so nice to people on Undercover Boss? That could be me. Adam Levine tells you there’s something intangible about your voice but he can’t quite put his finger on it! You tell him a voice is actually ‘intangible’ but he still chuckles and still thinks you’re mysterious! That could be me. My chicken piccata on Top Chef, while highly conservative, conveys the soul of the suburban, white man? That could be me, too. 

I know that makes me seem like I’m not content in life and I dream of being in another position. That is not the case. I like being me because if you don’t know me in real life, I’m amazing.  And don’t get me started on those weight-loss shows, though. I could be so fat. SO FAT. Doing push-ups staring at old college pictures of my six-pack. I’d rather be on Global GUTS but it’d be amazing! I pretttttty much imagine myself in the show and that is what gets me to Planet Fitness 4 days a week. Well that, and the massage chair. 

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I DIGRESS.

I’ve been meaning to tell you that I haven’t forgotten about the blogs on addiction. I put in a good amount of hours this weekend researching addiction and–on the side–who killed Teresa Halbach. While I don’t deserve a medal or anything yet, I do think addiction specialist/detective/magician means I’m a modern-day triple-threat. I’m doing a little more research but focusing on how to break it up because I know the average person doesn’t want to read a 42-page long blog. So, I’m planning on breaking it into a series of sorts. The first part will be about the “Players” in the discussion/debate. I find this important because so much of the information and commentary is littered with people with various agendas.

If you have any suggestions or input, I’ll gladly take them in consideration. I will acknowledge them but that’s as far as my promises will go.

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