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The Oscars are tonight and this hot tub enthusiast has your preview. I’ve seen all eight Best Picture nominees for you and here they are:

The Big Short

Bridge of Spies

Brooklyn

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Room

Spotlight

Of these eight, here are my ranked picks:

  1. The Revenant
  2. Brooklyn
  3. Spotlight
  4. Room
  5. The Big Short
  6. Mad Max
  7. The Martian
  8. Bridge of Spies

To be honest, it’s The Revenant and everything else. 2-8 could be in any order and I wouldn’t really care either way. If you are a lover of special effects, Mad Max may be one of the best movies you’ve ever seen. If you’re like me, and get bored with bad scripts and weak characters, it’s one of the most overrated movies in years. The movie has about 3 pages of dialogue and that just doesn’t do it for me at the movies. The Revenant has a compelling story, great acting, and unbelievable cinematography. The other movies are fine. Spotlight and The Big Short are essentially the same type of movie. They are stories we know about  (especially if you’re from Boston, with Spotlight) and they’re told in an entertaining way. Sidetone: I didn’t care for The Big Short’s cameos explaining the mortgage crises in Zack Morris-like freeze frame scenes.

And that’s about it. The Martian is an above average summer-blockbuster and Bridge of Spies may be the least thrilling movie I’ve seen Spielberg do. Room was fine and I was expecting to cry but it turns out I may not have a soul as some Facebook quiz suggested. Brooklyn is nothing extravagant but I really liked the story, the acting was good, and the cinematography was very good.

Here are the real 2015 Best Pictures in no particular order:

  1.  The Revenant
  2. Brooklyn
  3. Beasts of No Nation
  4. Straight Outta Compton
  5. Spotlight
  6. Inside Out
  7. Anomalisa
  8. Mad Max

That’s right. I put an animated kids movie on that list because it was that good. I kind of want to leave Mad Max off this list but half the population would probably shit their pants. But that’s what this is all about. We reserve the right to argue about meaningless crap because ‘Merica.

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Who Should Win/ Will Win:

Best Picture: Should Win: The Revenant    Will Win: The Revenant/Spotlight

*If Spotlight wins, the whole crew will come up and talk about pedophilia and shit is going to get awkward.

Best Actor: Should Win: Leo  Will Win: Leo

*2 hour standing ovation. They’ll cut to all 25 of his model girlfriends.

Best Actress: Will win: Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years

That’s all the predictions I’m making because the rest is garbage. None of the Best Supporting Male actors should even be nominated. Maybeeeee Tom Hardy in The Revenant but Mark Ruffalo in Spotlight is a joke. He’s better in Begin Again and screw that movie. I’m pretty sure 10 women stormed the room for that pick because they think he’d be a good dad. I’m more of a Billy Cruddup guy. You know, like Pacey or Dawson? I’m taking Billy all day, every day. Side note, I am curious if Inside Out beats Anomolisa for best animated picture. Completely different movies but equally great. One movie shows how it’s OK to have feelings and the other shows a claymation sex scene.

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Final 104 degree hot takes:

  • Jennifer Lawrence is not a good actress
  • The car scene crossing the border in Sicario is incredible.
  • Ice Cube’s son in Straight Outta Compton is really good/convincing
  • Kayne West is a musical artist in the same way I’m a photographer on Instagram
  • Ex-Machina could have been the best sci-fi movie since Contact but Matthew McConaughey wasn’t in it. Also, if you could spell ‘McConaughey’ without looking it up, you’re a genius.
  • Black Mass wasn’t a very good movie but Johnny Depp should have been nominated. Victim of movie-release date probably.