I’ve done some soul-searching lately and have nailed down every TV character I’ve ever loved. It’s been hard to write this because the butterflies just come storming back into my stomach. But I make sacrifices for you people and this includes being vulnerable. Nobody EVER has had a successful hot tub blog without disclosing the fake men and women that have left permanent impressions on their lives. Here is a list of some of the people I have loved:

  1. Kelly Kapowski (1991-1993)

I was apparently only seven years old when we first met but Kelly would come to embody the quintessential cheerleader every young boy dreams of. It couldn’t have been lust because I was really just into Pavel Bure and trading hockey cards but Kelly planted the seed of how magical high school could be. She was a cheerleader AND nice to Screech? How was I supposed to know these two traits were as common as black unicorns? Thank you, Kelly, for making me believe you and Bayside could happen. It was the happiest lie I ever believed.

2. Tapanga (1993-1995)

I’m not sure there’s been another TV character who ended up so different than how she started. Beginning Boy Meets World as the nerdy girl sitting in front of Corey, Tapanga just got hot out of nowhere. She was smart and made really good choices for a middle-schooler. She was the girl your mom was happy you brought to the dance. I didn’t have a dance to go to when I was 10, but if I did, I would have asked you, Tapanga. I probably would have called you and got nervous and hung up but you would have been my #1. Sure, your hair got really wild for a few seasons but you pulled it together. And I didn’t forget when you and Corey got stuck in that room overnight, and he suggested to his friends that you guys got freaky. You kept your integrity and really put him in his place. You were the feminist before feminists and I respect that. I don’t respect how you ended up going to the same college as Shawn and Corey when you were so much smarter so for that reason, I had to move on to someone else.

3. Caroline Holden (1996-1997)

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I was hot off Tapanga and you could call this one a rebound that lasted a year. The rest of the world was ga-ga for Pamela Anderson on Baywatch but this future hot tub enthusiast had eyes for the brunette on the beach, YASMINE BLEETH. So what if I had to use Google to find out her name on the show was Caroline? I knew her name was Yasmine and I think that was the first exotic thing I was attracted to. That’s probably me misremembering. She had brown hair and giant boobs and that’s all I needed. This is the only one on the list that I’m afraid to say… may have been lust. She wasn’t marriage material and I’ve always had a suspicion that she hooked up with Hasselhoff and that image doesn’t sit right with me.

4. Joey Potter (1998-present)

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Back in 1998, I used to attend Dawson’s Creek parties at some girl’s house. I’m pretty sure it was me and 7 other girls so I wonder if they thought I was a little gay. I wasn’t, and I’m not, but if you’re reading this let me know what the other girls were thinking. Joey Potter was my first true love and I acknowledge that I share this sentiment with about 9 million other gentlemen. Still, there was something universally magnetic about Ms. Potter. When she’d sneak through Dawson’s window and he’d start talking about movies I wanted to punch him in the fucking face. Pardon my language, but the real prize was right in front of you Dawson and you were just bitching about Spielberg like an asshole. I really liked the fact that she snuck through his window and wondered if anyone would ever do that for me. Nobody ever did and I tell myself it was because we didn’t have a ladder. Anyways. Even though some of you may think she lost some respectability when she married Tom Cruise, I have to disagree because for me, Joey Potter and the woman who married Tom Cruise are not the same person. Katie Holmes went on to wear braces on Ray Donovan and I have no idea who that person is. Joey Potter is forever the apple of my eye and I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over. 

5. Lyla Garrity (2012-2014)

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Minka Kelly was sent from heaven along with Tim Riggins. They’re TV’s version of Adam and Eve and I think that’s why Lyla turned so religious in the later episodes. It was a stupid plot-move but at that point–and I mean episode one–I had already fallen for Lyla. I immediately Googled who she was and of course she dated Derek Jeter because fuck Derek Jeter. I came across Friday Night Lights later than it’s premiere in 2006. I was more mature and way out of high school so I hope she wasn’t really high-school aged because that would not be something I’d want to publicly admit I was attracted to. I think she was like the Dawson’s Creek crew and was actually in her mid-20s playing a 16 year old. This much I hope. Anyways, I was a little upset she couldn’t make it work with Tim Riggins but Riggins had to go find himself by banging a bunch of milfs.

6.  Giada & Oliva Munn (2013-2015)

Giada captured my heart one day when I found her on the Food Network. She was cooking and just seemed so damn nice. And when she told me she was cooking a bunch of food for a football tailgate party I thought maybe she was the one. She was and is the perfect combination of cute and sexy and I’m pretty sure that’s a line from a movie. I was really upset that she got divorced, though. I’m not kidding. I just don’t understand it. The husband must have done something because there’s no way it was her fault. I’m just really torn up by it all.

Some of you may not know Sloan Sabbath from The Newsroom but she was the cream of my twinkie for a few seasons. I’m sorry, that’s a gross expression to use and I won’t use it again. Anyways, she did the business report on the show and she was really ambitious and sneaky hot. She’s the type that doesn’t know she’s attractive and that make a 7 like myself think I have a chance. If you don’t think I’m a ‘7’ then politely don’t tell me. She’s with Aaron Rodgers now and know three magic tricks so things aren’t looking great for me. The good news is that there are still rumors going around that Rodgers is gay so maybe it won’t work out. There’s probably more rumors out there that I’m gay after the Barstool incident, though.

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7. Vodka (2007-2010)

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This love affair was a disaster. Her name was ‘Ruby’ Rubinoff but she went by a bunch of different names. Smirnoff, Zenga, Gordon’s. She was a whore of a time and I kept going back and back and it just ended badly, guys. I lost a bunch of weight and had to go away for a while. She made me forget about Kelly and Joey and do horrible things like watch Extreme Home Makeover and just cry a lot.

8. Alias, Quantico, and the Tool Time Girl

They weren’t quite ‘loves’ but it was close. I think the Quantico girl may be the hottest person on television right now but the show has gotten so ridiculous that I just can’t call it love. I don’t recall anything Jennifer Garner has been in besides Ben Affleck but I recently started Alias and I think it may be love. She’s wonderful. And last but not least, I kind of liked the Tool girl on Home Improvement. She was reduced to just looking good and may have had the most demeaning character on TV besides Vanna White who has held the title for 30 years.

I’m sure there have been many more flings but these ones really stand out. Share some of yours and get vulnerable with me. It’s great soak conversation unless you’re in San Francisco.