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I’ve taken some Facebook quizzes in my day and after one of them said the celebrity I most looked like was Paul Walker, I really thought there was some hard science behind them. And then I took the quiz “What do you do after you’ve gotten drunk” and I’m really starting to question the algorithm they use.

What they say versus what I say.

2 Beers: According to the quiz, after two beers, I am happily drunk. This was never true. I need approximately 8 drinks to be drunk and if I had two drinks now, I’d be in a hotel room crying knowing that 2 beers would probably lead to 63 beers.

+3 Beers: Quiz tells me I’d be taking selfies with my girlfriend Adriana. She has never witnessed me drink but I can’t blame Facebook for not knowing these inner secrets. But if I had +3 drinks Adriana would be knocking on the hotel room door asking why I was crying.

+Vodka shot: The quiz struck gold here calculating correctly that I was a vodka drinker. But  “one shot” was never in my vocabulary. Tall glass of vodka with maybe a splash of red gatorade because I have a problem. Facebook missed the mark saying I would make jokes about others with Julia. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation in real life with Julia so I find it hard to believe we’d be at the level where we’d just make fun of people together.

+2 Shots: Facebook arrogantly assumes after this amount of booze I would be dancing crazily with Miles. First off, I’m not really a dancer unless Facebook knows about how I dance in front of the mirror before I shower. If they do know this private and personal information, I can’t see how they don’t know about my lack of relationship with Julia.

+Tequila shot: Tequila is the only booze that could make me throw up so kudos to FB for knowing that tequila signals the end of my night. But again the science is shaky at best because Meaghan is supposed to carry me home. We’re not very close but I do know she has some serious back problems and a metal spine. I’m not sure she could carry me. But this is neither here nor there because I would only be this drunk by myself because as stated before, I have a really bad problem.

The final synopsis of the quiz is really optimistic and happy.“Together, you have some of the best nights of your lives” it says. If by best nights you mean breaking into a foreclosed house and drinking a gallon of vodka, then yes–those were some wild nights. I mean part of me really wants to believe every thing that the quiz says because I sometimes naively follow technology like when I drove an hour south in the wrong direction because my Garmin GPS told me to. But I just can’t seem to get past the part where I’m making jokes with Julia. It just doesn’t sound like me at all. 

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