I don’t know any other way to put it.

I think I have been defeated by Keath Otis. The man’s resilience, happiness, and impeccable grammar was just too overwhelming. What kind of man doesn’t get nervous when a stranger invites himself over to your house to use a hot tub? I’ll tell you what kind of man–a freaking brilliant one. He mind-fucked me and it’s not ok.

This will potentially be the last post on Keath because becoming best friends with an Amazon reviewer is really hard work.  My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker and more than that, Keath is wearing me out with his stone-walling. It’s like I’ve made a mix-tape for him and he’s not even listening! The girlfriend is very concerned that I’ll be labeled a “stalker” which is an understandable fear and is probably the worst boyfriend trait to possess other than having some weird fetishes. But in my defense, at which point in these exchanges did Keath EVER give me the impression he was inconvenienced?! His emails were longer than mine and the description he provides is so helpful it’s annoying. NOT TO MENTION he was the one who held all the cards in this friendship. I admittedly went to a few extremes to find his home address…but I left him my email address and he had all the freedom in the world to rip up that letter. But something caught his eye and that something was me. My sister is also concerned about my Keath relationship so maybe they just don’t want Keath coming to family parties. I don’t know anymore.

I’m just defeated. I can’t tell if he’s the most boring man in the world or using some sort of Jessica Jones mind-control.



Here is the final email exchange:

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I found this response infuriating. I actually stopped reading in the second paragraph because I was just blown away by his reviewer-determination. He sounds truly concerned about Intex’s sustainability as a business and equally concerned about whether or not I make the right decision with the purchase. Why can’t I come over and just check it out, Keath? I just can’t do it anymore. Maybe I’m overreacting but I don’t think I am.

I wonder what the Markwalters are doing for Easter.