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Does this look like a man who broke into a hot tub and called the police asking for towels, cocoa, and a hug?

Probably.

I was sent this story from someone who clearly thought this could be me under the right circumstances. The man’s name is Mark, and suffice to say, I think he was under a lot of stress.

“I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it,” he told the 911 operator.

Neighbors also called police complaining that a man was yelling outside. When the dispatcher asked if Eskelsen had a weapon, he said no and that he had “fingers that are so numb they’ve turned into prunes. Even if I did have a gun I don’t think I could hold onto it right now.”

Mark. Buddy. I too have succumbed to severe prunage, and it is a real struggle. No way you can properly handle a gun under those conditions. It’s like when I was drinking and a girlfriend would worry I’d cheat on her. Have you seen how drunk I get? No way I have the means and ability to carry out an act of fidelity after 12 mugs of vodka. Just not happening.

But I just can’t get behind arresting this man. He should have received a medal as far as I’m concerned:

The 45-year-old called 911 from his cell phone on Sunday morning and identified himself as the “sheriff of Washington County,” Beaverton police said. He then asked for medical attention, later admitting that he wasn’t the sheriff.

Eskelsen also said he had been in the hot tub for 10 hours and that his towels had gotten soaked.

10 HOURS? Are you fucking kidding me? Surprised the man was alive. One time I soaked for an hour and a half in 104 degree water and I started seeing black spots. Time slowed down and I think my heart rate was operating at Tibetan monk level. I catapulted into a 5th dimension and I think this was Mark’s state of mind when he made the call.

I didn’t quite understand the part about wanting hot cocoa but I then read that he was found with weed on him so that makes more sense. No way I want a hot beverage in the hot tub but Mark’s version of the munchies must differ from mine. I’d want Funyuns and a back rub and Mark wants cocoa and a hug. We’re not so different.

I hope Mark is doing OK now but when I was trying to find this article I stumbled upon the police log of the area this took place in. It would be a goddamn shame if I didn’t share some of these with you:

Middlefield Road, 11:55 a.m. Sept. 21 Inappropriate photos were emailed to a school official.

Laurie Meadows Drive, 1:12 a.m. Sept. 21 A male who had been Skyping with a female who had an inappropriate video of him told police she’d asked for $700 to take it down and has yet to do that.

Second Avenue and South San Mateo Drive, 12:27 p.m. Sept. 22 A female at Mills Hospital reported her vehicle stolen by a friend who’d agreed to park it, then failed to return.

Ralston Avenue, 6:41 p.m. Wednesday A loose squirrel unable to find its way out was reported to be lost in the library.

1200 block of El Camino Real, 3:49 a.m. Sept. 18 A homeless man, 33, taking advantage of the hot tub at a hotel was arrested.

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ANOTHER hot tub arrest! There’s dozens of us!