If you don’t know about the YMCA issue, click here. The rest of you dedicated folks already know about the South Shore scandal that is affecting a soak near you.  I channeled my inner Andy Dufresne and wrote a second email and they must have gotten the message loud and clear because we have begun a tumultuous dialogue.

I imagine they had some sort of board meeting to discuss how they’d approach this because they’re sitting on a real PR grenade if they think I’m going to be OK with naked people running around and sitting in the public soak area like it’s some sort of East coast Kabuki Spa whore house. Cannot and will not stand for that. I pay 12 DOLLARS PER VISIT so the least you can offer me is some transparency with this issue. Here is the exchange.

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I felt I was professional. I was transparent and I simply asked for an explanation. I waited 24 hours and Felix forwarded this to Meaghan, the head of the Aquatics Team.

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EXCUSE ME? A handful of members?! This doesn’t sound like a one-time occurrence to me. Sounds like you have either a small nudist colony on your premises or some really creepy members. Either way, this sign doesn’t seem like it’s enough to appease a paying guest like myself.

I asked if this was a recurring issue and again, told them it was concerning. I told them I was concerned for the children, but more importantly, was concerned of how this could and would affect future soaks.

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Tensions are clearly rising at this point. This Aquatics Director doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of flopping dicks in a public area. The kiddie pool area is directly across from the soak area and everybody knows nothing ruins a child’s swimming lesson more than a shriveled penis. I think she’s downplaying this scandal, making me out to be overly dramatic. Not on my watch.

I then emailed back saying how I find it hard to believe that someone just MISTAKENLY walks out in public naked. Was this a senile man? How does this happen?

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I think I blew a gasket when she said, “It happens.” OH REALLY. The only time I’ve had unwanted nudity was in San Francisco and you all know how much that affected me. A GROWN MAN. Sorry if I find it hard to believe that you suddenly forget you’re at a YMCA and you can’t go dicks out, guns out. And what happened at YOUR OLD YMCA? Maybe you’re not there anymore because someone inadvertently got a mushroom tattoo. Maybe that’s what happened, Meaghan. A friendly reminder? My friend gives me a “friendly reminder” to bring a lock so we don’t have to stuff all our stuff in one locker. He doesn’t have to remind me to cover up my Irish privates. It’s kind of an unsaid rule that you don’t whip it out at a YMCA. But good thing you have a sign now. And what’s with this “helping out of the shower” and “state of mind business?” Am I missing the ecstasy shower parties?

I don’t know what to do at this point. Maybe I suggest they waive my 12$ fee next time. Or in the least, when I walk in and they see me, I want them to recognize who I am and immediately check to make sure the tub is operating at 104 degrees.