I’m on vacation and I turn 32 in a few days. I hit up a soak in New Hampshire and it was my first “personal” hot tub in quite some time. One reason these are so great is unlimited access and privacy. You can soak for hours and nobody comes out to tell you you’re at risk of dying. My friend tried to get me to sign some non-disclosure contract before I soaked which was bullshit but that’s the price you pay when you get this famous. People terrified of getting a bad soak review. DID YOU READ THAT YMCA? YOU’RE RUINED NOW. The document said my blog was shitty so I didn’t sign it of course. My friends make fun of my passions and my mother used the Disney World money to get a new bathroom. This is why hugs make me uncomfortable.

Friends don’t have friends sign non-disclosure acts

I’m in Maine now and I’m happy that I got the time to introduce Andy from Portland to the world. He’s a real star and you can count on seeing and hearing that obnoxious bastard again. I got a few messages asking me if that was an embellished accent or if it’s his real voice. The answer is that it’s 100% real. Years ago it may have been embellished but the act has went on for so long that it’s real now. I think that’s what happened to my laugh. I started to mimic someone’s laugh as a teen and it stuck. I was like a stupid dolphin back then, copying people’s laughs. Now I’m stuck with this high-pitched shriek but you only hear it when something is really, really funny. You can hear it in the Andy from Portland video. I’m laughing at the part when Andy talks about the Red Sox coming back against the NY Yankees because he told the same story earlier in the week to another show. I told him there’s nothing more pathetic than a.) A WEEI caller and b.) A caller who recycles material. We are going to work on it and make him stronger.

And finally, a bombshell.

Hot Springs Guy and I….well, we’re friends now. I don’t know how it happened and you all know we were feuding a bit but I think with my old age, I’m learning that you just need to let some things go.

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HSG is absolutely way too nice of a guy for me to really like but in this hot-tub world we live in, you cannot burn any bridges. HSG may be an excellent resource and I just need to suck it up and network the shit out of tubs across America. I asked him to meet me for a soak in Kansas but I’m not sure I’m going to show up yet.

Tubs across America sounds like an excellent charity and in fact, it’s my new charity. What we raise money for, I’m not sure yet. It’s a mix between The Human Fund and The Red Cross at this point.

If you haven’t “liked” The Tub Facebook page, then I’ll find out. With each “like” my self-esteem soars and I’m able to have the courage to take on the YMCA, ISIS, and all other evil entities.

Let me do God’s work.