A woman is perplexed about what to do in Slate’s version of Dear Abby. Their version of Abby–Mallory aka Prudence–gives stupid advice but let’s get to this woman’s issue first. It involves catching your husband masterbating so, yeah, I loved it from the start.

stalker-guy-laptop

Q. Is it cheating or not?: I came home last night after a girls’ night out and noticed that my husband’s phone was not plugged in. I picked it up, plugged it into the charger and took a peek to see what’s happening on Facebook. I open it up and there I see a picture of one of his friends in a bikini, zoomed into her body and chest. I woke him and asked him about it, and he, in a sleepy daze, admitted that he used it earlier in the night to masturbate to. I can honestly say I lost it. My husband cheated on me over a year ago by kissing one of his co-workers after work. It was a one-time indiscretion, after which I agreed to work on our relationship. I don’t know why, but this feels the same to me. I feel like he cheated all over again. I gave him three days to move out, and said that if he does not comply, I’m taking my daughter on a mommy-daughter trip to give him more time. I don’t see myself getting over this or ever being intimate again. I don’t know if I’m overreacting here, but I honestly feel broken about this.

I’m going to break this down completely and throughly because there’s about 40% honesty in this ridiculous post. I’d make an iceberg analogy about under the surface honesty but this is a goddamn hot tub blog. We’re better than that.

Let’s go.

I’m not going to break this down in chronological order because it’s more important to start with the most glaring detail: the husband admitting IN HIS SLEEP that he was using the picture to masterbate. First off, nobody with an ounce of integrity admits this type of thing. Was this some sort of groggy, sleep-honesty I’ve never heard about? Was he hopped up on Xanex and blurted out “YOU DAMN RIGHT I JERKED OFF TO IT” like Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men?”

Any guy who so easily admits that type of infraction has one of two things going on. The first is he doesn’t give a flying fuck. If you don’t have the decency to at least try to lie, you don’t give a shit at all. Complete apathy. This may stem from the fact that he hooked up with his co-worker and still maintained the marriage. He probably feels he’s invincible. Side note: nobody just “kisses” a co-worker. Either you’re freaking lying about that, or if you’re not, and you just kissed, well, then you’re probably in love and that’s worse than kissing. Either way, the relationship was in dire straits after that and probably should have ended. But let’s continue.

I can’t get over how “in a daze” he says “I was masterbating to this picture earlier.” I could laugh all day long thinking about that scene. Listen, we’ve all been in situations that seem inescapable but at least swing for the fences and say you butt-zoomed in on the picture? Maybe just go with the “I have no idea how that happened?” AND LET’S NOT look past the fact that it’s 2016 and he’s using a zoomed in Facebook picture to jerk off. We haven’t seen that type of barbaric behavior in 15 years. All she saw was a picture zoomed in? What else was at the scene and was it as incriminating as Steven Avery’s yard? There HAD to be nasty tissues laying around and some hand lotion because why would anyone just go from PICTURE FOUND to “I CONFESS” so quickly?

So there’s the main piece for me: admitting to such an offense, casually, in the moment. But how about the woman’s lies too.

I picked it up, plugged it into the charger and took a peek to see what’s happening on Facebook

Fucking lie.

You plugged in the phone and went into his Facebook to creep because you were buzzed and insecure after your girl’s night out.  If you are genuinely looking to see what’s on Facebook, you’d always use your own phone and account. I probably don’t know 70% of the people on my girlfriend’s feed. Why the hell would I be looking at that other than to be a prying weirdo?

The woman gave the guy three days to move out before she murdered him and then asks Prudence if she overreacted.

Interestingly, Prudence begins by saying the woman did overreact and basically that going through someone’s phone is worse. Then she immediately jumped to recommending counseling which is just such a bullshit, cliched move. I haven’t been married but I’m of the mindset that if you need couples counseling then it’s over. I don’t completely blame the woman for the phone move actually. I’ve had my privacy invaded before but I allow a one-time creep pass for all those involved with me. 2 strikes and you’re out, though. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she wasn’t a creeper UNTIL he kissed his co-worker. Eh, she probably was. That’s probably how she found out about it..

couple-bedroom-140423

Anyways…the main issue issue with the woman is that clearly this should have ended a while ago. Kissing co-workers? Masterbating to Facebook pictures of friends? HAVE THE DECENCY TO MAKE IT A CELEBRITY. You cut the shame in half by making it a zoomed in picture of some anonymous porn star. But the kicker again, is the casual “Yeah, I did it.” This is somebody who doesn’t give a shit and wanted to go back to bed. In an instant, he weighed his options  (SPEND AN HOUR LYING or TELL THE TRUTH AND GO BACK TO BED).

And he picked sleep.

Lady, if a guy takes the immediacy of sleep over your marriage, it’s fucking over. Find someone else. Perhaps someone who doesn’t behave in a way that tempts you to look in his phone.