So, I know what you’re thinking.
Wow, look at Scott. He really got his act together and I’m so proud of him for not drinking himself to death. A real coming-of-age story!
But it’s not all hot tubs and smiles, guys. I’m not perfect. And nothing could make this so abundantly clear than my strange addiction to pimple popping.
See, the thing is that I’ve always loved a good pimple pop. FOR YEARS I’ve been carving up my face looking for the juiciest white-head I could find. This disgusting pursuit runs in my family and while I’m not prepared to leak names, there’s plenty of people I know who share this disgusting love. But this affliction would only rear it’s ugly head–pun intended–at select times. Maybe I had a big zit. Maybe my girlfriend had one too and I pinned her down trying to pop it. Maybe I’d stare at guy on the subway who had a ridiculous white-head. WHO KNOWS. The point is that the opportunities were limited and my desires were curbed by this lack of availability.
Until I found out about Dr. Sandra Lee (AKA Dr. PIMPLE POPPER).
She’s on Instagram and Youtube and yes I’m a fucking popaholic, Sandra, if that’s what you’re calling us. I’m an alcoholic too so I’m pretty sure ALCOHOLIC/POPAHOLIC could get me on Extreme Home Makeover alongside the kids with no arms. It’s extra great that Sandra is hot and from watching roughly 9,000 hours of these videos, she absolutely loves zit-popping just like the rest of us weirdos. It’s quite nice to know that she has over a million followers on Instagram which tells me that a.) I’m not crazy or b.) there’s so many demented people out there.
My girlfriend is disgusted by all of this. One of these times she’s gonna catch me watching a pimple-popping video and I’m going to cower in shame but then leave the room to finish the video because it’s a big problem. I even texted some videos to a friend thinking he’d love them and he told me he lost his appetite so I’m not sure we’re still friends.
I’ve littered this post with links to her videos because I feel like I’m giving you all a gift. It’s filled with pus but it’s a gift. If you’re out there, and you struggle with this addiction, please let me know so we don’t have to be so filled with shame. I mean I don’t want to be friends with you and watch videos together because that would be fucking weird. Let’s just be by ourselves and know somewhere, out there, there’s a pimple waiting to be popped.