People are always going to try to bring you down so when I read this article about feces and pee in hot tubs, I knew I had to do something.

I could have cried a bunch but I didn’t because I’m strong and also because I knew the soak gods were looking out for me. A month ago, I got a birthday gift from my friend. He clearly knows me because I got some of these bad Sallys.

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GO AHEAD and piss in my tub. I have 50 strips that will maybe hopefully tell me if you did. I’ll be honest. I need to confer with some scientists to figure out what I’m looking for exactly but sometimes you need to fake it before you make it. Or as I like to say, “Don’t act like a joke during your soak.”

Just kidding. If I ever say that, drown me.

Anyways, I was at a spa last weekend and put on my robe like it was a magical lab-coat. I felt like a luxurious Harry Potter but I didn’t know what I was searching for. I definitely didn’t want to find any of this fecal matter I read about. Side note: are we talking about people taking dumps in hot tubs or are some people not wiping enough? Do I dare say dingle-berries? I don’t know, Jets,  but the CDC says it’s a problem.

Before I did my strip-testing, my girlfriend told me the tub was hot. I thought maybe she was exaggerating but a gasket must have blown because that water was not street-legal temperature. The freaking thermometer said it was 90 degrees so something was broken. A broken thermometer is immediately 5 points off a final soak grade for your information. It had to be about 106 degrees which can kill a baby in less than a minute. I’m an adult so I can last an hour.

I do the testing because I’m a detective now and my girlfriend wasn’t too impressed because quite frankly, she thinks I’m a psycho. Or maybe she didn’t want to know the results like those guys on Jerry Springer. Not sure!

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Luckily, we were the only ones in the spa hot tub because the whole investigation looked a little fishy. But being alone meant it was a truly objective process. So after dunking my strips in that bubbling heaven, I take a look at my strip and see all these wonderful colors. But the colors are like a rainbow I don’t quite understand.

That’s a nice purple but DO WE WANT PURPLE?

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Well thankfully the bottle has a nice color-grid on the back so I didn’t have to mail in the results like they do on all those shows. From my perspective, the levels seemed pretty good except THE PURPLE. We had a HIGH chlorine situation according to the bottle grid. They always say to replicate your results or find another way to prove it. So I drank a bunch of the water and yes, lots of chlorine.

I’ve decided I’m going to do some more testing. Scratch that. I’m going to test every tub from now on. And perhaps not only the ones I use. I may just jump fences and randomly test people’s water like some sort of water nazi. It’s all kind of presumptuous and pretentious but there’s fecal matter in some of these tubs and that’s really bad for business. If people just start thinking it’s normal behavior to take dumps in hot tubs, I don’t know what I’ll do. That would be the last blog post, guys.

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Photo Credit: David O’Brien