Dear Waiters/Waitresses,

I’m writing an open letter–now the most cliche form of letter–to address your equally cliched identity. You complain a lot and I was wondering if you could stop.

Please help me understand why you all complain so much. I’m saying “please” to be nice, because in a few short moments, I’m going to sound like a dick.  But the fact is that you’re all a bunch of bitter brats and the only group that can compete with you are the TOLL TROLLS on I-93 North. I’ll find myself a goddamn unicorn before I find a waiter who isn’t dying to tell me about the bad tip they just got! If a vegan and a waiter had a baby it would.. just kidding it couldn’t happen because it’s hard to take off your pants if you’re entrenched in your own life.

*******

You work with people and a lot of people are assholes.

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Am I missing something? And don’t you dare talk to me about how I haven’t worked as a server. Don’t you fucking dare! I’m calling horseshit on that and I’m calling horseshit on that cop-out mentality that you can’t comment on a job you haven’t done. I didn’t get a degree in toilet paper but I’ve been wiping my ass for over thirty years so I think I can comment on the wiping-ass game.

Same goes for your job.

If I had a dime for every goddamn meme or post about the GODDAMN PLIGHT of servers, I’D HAVE SO MANY DIMES PEOPLE. SO MANY DIMES! Somehow I got linked to the bitchywaiter.com site and it just won’t stop! Comment threads that go on for weeks. Those comments are penned in lost dreams and I’m done reading them all.

Done!

People ask for water that don’t drink it. Some people are shitty tippers. Some people don’t look you in the eye. Some kids are annoying pricks who should be on a leash. Some parents are human garbage. You stand on your feet for a long time. The guy you screwed just screwed your server friend. People don’t know what they want. People try to order off the menu. They are rude.

Are we there yet?

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There’s a disproportionate amount of complaining from your server community. I’ve dealt with my fair-share of washed up teachers who bitch in the teacher’s conference room while eating their ham sandwiches for lunch. They can suck a bag of dicks too but the sheer number of them don’t seem to touch the wacky world of servers. Imagine if I demanded respect or cried outrage through social media because kids are little pukes who always lose shit?!

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GOD DAMNED KIDS ASKING ME FOR PENCILS! I GAVE YOU A PENCIL A PERIOD AGO! 

You’d probably think HEY SCOTT MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE WORKING WITH KIDS THEN.

BINGO, BANGO. You’re right! And If you didn’t already know serving deals with hungry people who can be assholes, then now you do, so leave the job if it’s so bad. Soakin’ Scott here is now going to suggest to you why your job sucks. I’m writing in the third person because that type of douche-baggery is thematically relevant to the post and you will respect that.

It’s not all about the shitty people you deal with. If it was as simple as that, I’d be seeing more memes and open letters about the people who work at Old Navy or answer phones for a living. No, no, no.Your job sucks becauses your job is inherently subordinate.

You serve food and beverages to people.

It doesn’t mean you’re not important. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be given respect and treated like a human being. And it doesn’t mean you’re not educated. Hell, I think every waiter/waitress I know has a college degree. I alsoooooo think every one I know loves a little bit of cocaine on a Thursday night.

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The relationship (server to patron) is set up to create all sorts of shittiness. You are literally and figuratively taking orders. It’s an imbalanced relationship with a side of resentment. Pun intended, bitches.

Nobody likes to feel less than or deserves to be treated as such, but it’s hard to feel like you’re like everybody at the table when you’re not at the table and you’re asking the person at the table what they would like to eat. You’re a paid servant (eek!) and that can suck royally if somebody’s rudeness makes that fact abundantly clear.

Don’t patronize me, Scott.

But what strikes me as annoying is when people complain about situations they choose to be in. You know why so many educated people are full-time servers? Because–overall– it pays well. And why does it pay well? Because people like me have been guilt-tipping for no reason since 1776 and we haven’t stopped.

Stopping bitching about the tips. For every shitty tip you get, there are those other tips you didn’t do shit for. Work at a nice place and a table of 4 has a bill of $240? You just got 48 dollars for not doing next to nothing. I haven’t left a tip below 18% in my life. TELL ME TO MY FACE you want a straight hourly wage. You’re fucking lying because you know you make more than whatever wage they put out there. The fucking hell $15 dollars an hour is going to satisfy this population of overqualified brats. I was reading on a thread about what waiters/waitresses felt they should get or would be comfortable getting as an hourly wage.

$35.00/hr was the average that these people thought was fair.

On what fucking planet can you justify paying someone $35 an hour for serving food and beverages? WHAT PLANET, PEOPLE?

I THINK I’M WORTH …50.00 an hour!

My mom thinks I’m worth infinity dollars but so-the-fuck-what? I’m actually pretty understanding about the fact that many people make more money than I do. See, I’m pro-capitalism and if you find a job that pays you well, slow-clap for you. Most of you–unless you’re at some tiny place that isn’t busy–are making decent to very good money for serving food. And that is the nuts and bolts of what you’re doing.

Don’t you dare philosophize your way into thinking you’re creating a Wednesday night Disney Land for me because you’re pleasant and refilling my drinks without me asking. You’re not. The bar is LOW with servers, people. REAL LOW! So low in fact that when I get REALLY good service, I feel the need to write a positive review. This should be the norm, not the exception. Not because I’m entitled to anything but because it’s 90% of the job. Be pleasant and don’t get your hair in my food. Do those two things and you have 20% from me. If you’re an asshole, I’ll still give you 18% because I’m a sheep.

I get it. I get it. There’s more to the job than that. Just like there’s more to roofing than standing on a roof. Just like there’s more to being a math teacher than math. We all can say that. But you’re the #1 complainer in the group and I regret to inform you that I’m actually there for the chef, not you.

Here’s my last thing before I blow a hot tub gasket. My job–in education– is expendable. It’s why I’ll never really bitch about my salary. As much value as a good educator can add to society, there’s no real monetary benefit to an employer. I don’t bring in a certain amount of dollars to where I work. I can’t quite quantify my value so I don’t exactly have a lot of leverage. I’m not an asset in the truest sense of the word. I bring quality, but that has an existential value which translates to approximately zero dollars. I don’t think many people could do what I do as well as me but I also couldn’t do manual labor. I also wouldn’t be good at sales. I’m good with people so I’d probably be good at serving except for the part about holding the big trays.

But you know why I don’t make a lot of money? Because even though I’m pretty good at my job and inspire the shit out of magicians, TEACHERS ARE EXPENDABLE. Fucking dime a dozen. Liberal Arts colleges shit out teachers every graduation day for kids to take a dump on. Soak those tears up, teacher-people. We picked this job. You lost the right to bitch just like the people who don’t vote lose the right to bitch about the President. Same for you, servers. And fucking get me out of the bitchywaiter group text message.

Warm Regards,

The Tub