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1:09 AM

I was sleeping peacefully when I heard my girlfriend’s panicked voice. I was immediately frantic, thinking I overslept for work. I looked at my cell phone and it read 1:10 AM.

“BABE. There’s someone downstairs!”

I’m not sure there are more terrifying words to hear when you wake up in the middle of the night.  Let’s be clear. She didn’t say she heard a noise. She didn’t say “I think I heard something.” They were, without question:

“There’s someone downstairs.” 

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1:10 AM

This means that not only had she heard something, but she must have heard a voice or WHY ELSE WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING SO SCARY to someone you apparently love. There was also this immediate understanding that she was going to do nothing in this terrifying situation. It was my job to handle it and I answered the call. Ever since I sat and stared at someone choking years ago, I’ve been determined to make up for such a pathetic moment. I sprung into action and grabbed the closest weapon I could find.


My heart was beating out of my chest as I looked downstairs thinking somebody in a mask would be there. I went down the stairs and made the quick and heroic decision to flip the swifter upside down so it could act like a spear. I’ve seen a lot of jousting on American Gladiators and they used a similar weapon. Miss you Nitro.

As I flipped on all the lights I suddenly became angry. I heard nothing and knew nobody was going to face the wrath of my swifter. There were no voices. There were no intruders. Still,  I went room to room flipping on lights like a crazy asshole, becoming angrier and angrier. Part of me wanted there to be a standoff even though in my heart of hearts I knew the best I could do with the swifter was cause a painful slip.


I was mad because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep for at least an hour. My girlfriend’s terrifying words were a shot of adrenaline and unfortunately I can’t just take a few morning shots of vodka like the good old days to ease the nerves.

I should have known better than to go on my swifter-crusade.

Every few months she has a terrifying nightmare that in turn, terrifies me. On more than one occasion she has seen a ghost and they have been such frantic moments that I’ve thought maybe I just can’t see ghosts. After the first two times though, I thought maybe I wasn’t like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense and maybe they weren’t there. There’s a 2% chance she has seen the ghosts so I’m waiting to talk with Tyler Henry to see what has been happening.


She got mad at me for getting mad because that’s what women do sometimes. I was mad but I was jealous-mad because I knew she would be asleep again in five minutes. I laid in bed for about an hour thinking what could have transpired downstairs. Maybe if I killed him I could clean up the blood with the weapon and that would be cool but also look suspicious to the police. Maybe he’d laugh at me and feel bad and just calmly leave. Regardless, I was right and she was out cold in about 2 minutes after starting the commotion. The second worst part is that when I told the story to some people she said I WAS BEING DRAMATIC. Excuse me but you cannot yell ‘FIRE’ in a movie theater and when everyone starts to save themselves say ‘Jesus, can’t you guys just be quiet?’

Anyways, I proposed to this person on Saturday so expect another one of these posts 6 times a year for the rest of my life.