Most of you by now know that Mariah Carey performed on New Year’s Eve and it was an absolute disaster. For me, the disaster wasn’t about not singing. It wasn’t about lip syncing or grasping at her outfit like it was running away. It wasn’t even about the dancers–oh, those poor dancers–who kept dancing throughout the whole ordeal like it wasn’t the most awkward thing ever.

It was about the alien apathy that was on display for the world to see. I can’t quite understand how a human being can metaphorically die in front of millions of people and appear to not given a single fuck.

Exactly how famous and rich do you have to be for this to happen? To not give a shit when things go horribly, horribly wrong. It’s borderline admirable stuff we witnessed last night. I want some of that. Unless it’s Ambien and oxycontin which thanks but no thanks. There was just no shame whatsoever on that face and zero attempt at improvising. Of course I think it’s partly because she’s not the sharpest tool in the diva shed and maybe she couldn’t process the magnitude of the bombing. But it is MIND BLOWING to me to not be embarrassed as that ship is sinking.

I’m going to look at old footage now to see if this was a transformation–to not caring about looking like an idiot–or if she was always wired this way. Be right back.


Ok, LIVE reporting going on right now. I’m watching her on Youtube, the Daydream Tour in 1996, Live from Japan and in this writer’s humble opinion, she was lip syncing then but at least she was strutting around like she had something to prove. Now, 20 years later she’s just done trying to impress anyone so eat a dick Ryan Seacrest, she’s put in her time.

So if there’s a shame spectrum, you have Mariah Carey on the far right (alien-like not giving a shit) and on the left you have Ashley Simpson. When shit hit the fan on SNL she did this weird dance and ran off stage. I think she’s still running. That’s right, an Ashley Simpson reference on The Tub redemption tour. If you never saw that footage, here ya go because it’s gold.

Is Mariah Carey’s career over?

Are you fucking kidding me? When “All I Want for Christmas” comes on the radio, plants start dancing. That’s how good it is. And if you’re a guy and say it doesn’t move you, you’re a terrorist as far as I’m concerned. So the answer is ‘no.’ Her career will live forever and her behavior on New Year’s Eve tells me that I THINK SHE KNOWS THIS. If that happened to me I’d be in rehab within two hours. Funneling vodka as my mother tells me “It wasn’t that bad.”

Here’s the footage in cased you missed it.