I decided to take up the keyboard last week.

It wasn’t a New Years Resolution as much as it was unearthing years of regret from not practicing the saxophone in 7th grade. My musical career started like everybody else’s career in the 90s–with that beloved recorder. I graduated to a shiny saxophone, the kind that came in a black case that you had to rent from your elementary school. Looking back, that was a profitable money scheme.


But I didn’t have the musical work ethic that I think I can have now. Nobody did, really. We were just a bunch of kids plugging away, note by note, hoping nobody at the school concert would notice only two kids were actually playing. I moved on to chorus in 8th grade–no, I’m not gay–but I heard whispers when I was designated as the only male in the alto section. I still resent that chorus teacher and everything she said about the diaphragm.

We all can’t be Mark Zuckerberg.

Last year Mark went on Facebook to declare his New Year’s resolution was to read a book every week and also, oh, just design his own artificial intelligence. And did Mark flake out on his resolution like the rest of the stiffs at Planet Fitness? NOPE. He just humble- bragged to a billion people that he did it, and oh yeah, the AI talks in a Morgan Freeman voice.

Eat a bag of dicks, Mark.

His New Year resolution this year is to travel a bunch because that’s reasonable for all of us. God damn that guy spouting all this stuff on a platform that he created. The audacity! Last year there was this really poor kid in India who probably thought he could achieve the same Resolution because he’s really smart. Would build an AI just like Mark! But Mark found out about that kid and decided he needed a resolution that kid couldn’t do because he didn’t have a car and can’t afford a plane ticket. I’m on to you Mark and you’re a sneaky rat bastard. I watched your kid take his first steps on Facebook, because we’re all psychos who can see that stuff now, and I hope he fell on his face.


So I’ve moved on from Mark now like I moved on from that snitch and I’m starting a band. On a choral spectrum scale of 1-10, my singing voice is a strong 6.8. It’s a steady seven after I wake up from a nap because for some reason my voice is deeper and I sound like a grown man. With some real effort, I can add the keyboard to my repertoire  and I’m inching closer to being the white John Legend I’ve always wanted to be.

After my first band practice, I can play two songs: Twinkle Twinkle and the first few bars to “A Whole New World” from Aladdin. I don’t think the experts suggest that song progression but I’m doing this my way. I also don’t really know what “bars” mean but I’ve picked up a few pieces of lingo in my day.

Every great person has a hobby and since the podcasts are on hold for now, I needed to make Soakin’ Scott Great Again. The keyboard was $78 so if you’re wondering what the cost of greatness is in 2017, it’s just under $100. I looked at a lot of Amazon reviews on the keyboard and didn’t find a single one from Keath.

I miss Keath.