I was eating some tacos Saturday, Sunday, and Monday and started thinking maybe it was the perfect food. Naturally, I started to think about its versatility  and that got me thinking about the most versatile fruit. Then I started thinking about how you don’t hear a lot about versatile fruits and here I am now, writing this blog, trying to enlighten you on fruit and a whole bunch of other things nobody talks about.

The Banana

Is the banana the best fruit? No way. Probably 5th on my list but it’s definitely the most versatile and the 7th Player Award of the fruit family. Does the most with the least.  It’s one of the few fruits that you don’t need to stress out about how many people at Stop n’ Shop have touched it before you. It has a protective coating–a fruit-jacket–that serves as a germ shield. The taste isn’t great but its a great snack morning, lunch, or dinner. Sometimes when I’m feeling lazy, or the budget is real tight, I’ll just eat three bananas for dinner. That’s probably the saddest thing I’ve ever disclosed on this blog but this is a post about transparency so let’s be friends.

The Mighty Ducks Can’t Skate

I don’t know a single person that doesn’t like The Mighty Ducks movies. Actually, I think my college friend from Ecuador didn’t like it but he’s never seen ice before so he doesn’t count. What’s not to love about Hans the skate-sharpener and lawyer-turned-coach Gordon Bombay?

Nothing.

But can we at least address the elephant limo on the ice that the players who would go on to play for Team USA…suck at hockey?

If you do anything today, please watch that video. Charlie Conway (love you, Pacey!) wouldn’t even make a fucking JV squad skating like that. And KNEE PADS? No respectable rollerblader has ever worn knee pads and a bike helmet. You have Goldberg who is just flat-out obese and then the movie later introduces some athletic studs that weren’t from the original squad.

Ok, ok, now some real players to balance out the original Ducks.

Not so fast, Hans. You have a kid who skates really fast but can’t freaking stop and another kid who is a good stick-handler but prefers horse-back riding and ropes. A kid who can’t stop? You searched the entire U-18 market in the United States and couldn’t find a kid who could skate fast and stop? I mean I’ll always root for Gordon to get with Charlie’s mom but just felt we needed to address that plot-hole.

Hot Celebrities

A few days ago a friend of a friend of a friend said I looked like Aaron Rodgers. This, of course, is ridiculous, but that comment will forever be in my back pocket, ready to be played whenever I feel depressed. I started to then think about 1998, when all the girls in my 6th grade said Dave Matthews was hot.

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Please just tell me you want to make love to his music and not him.  He looks like an autistic serial killer. If he wasn’t in a famous band, and you brought him home to your parents, there’s a 100% chance the response you’d get is, “He seems nice!” This is the nicest way possible to say nothing at all. As a footnote, I’d like to add that money can bump you up on the 1-10 attraction scale. Plenty of “6” celebrities getting bumped up to 8s with some nice clothes and makeup. But no amount of money is making Dave attractive or his mouth move when he sings.

More Celebrities

Money can bump you up on the attractive spectrum but I’m pretty sure there isn’t enough money that can stop the aging process altogether. Which brings us to Rob Lowe who stopped drinking and doing drugs and was rewarded with some sort of Benjamin Button gene.

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I stopped drinking and what did I get?!

A goddamn snitch that almost dried up this blog, that’s what. I’d pound two bottles of Rubinoff vodka right now if I could have a taste of Rob Lowe’s secret. You know what else is a secret that nobody talks about?

Josh Hartnett.

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Where did he go? Is he ok? The last time I saw that guy he was in “30 Days and 30 Nights” and I think the not-having-sex thing killed him. I IMDBed Josh and he’s involved in about 32 Pre-Production movies but I think that’s all a cover for drinking camp. Ooooooooo good ole drinking camp!

So there you have it, Jets.

Bananas are underrated, the Mighty Ducks can’t skate, Dave Matthews is a spectrum 6, Rob Lowe found the fountain of youth and Josh Hartnett may be dead.