Anyone familiar with Barstool Sports knows it basically operates through the personalities of Portnoy, Big Cat, and KFC.

I follow them on Twitter and felt a need to enlighten KFC when he suggested a day at Home Goods was a bad day. That’s just not true and a pretend hardo move. Anyone who has been in the candle section at HG knows he’s lying. Home Goods isn’t as good as Target or Hobby Lobby or anything but it deserves some respect.

Side note: If you’ve never been to Hobby Lobby you haven’t lived.

So I write him this, and I’m greeted with straight-up poor shaming.

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Literally calls me the poorest person on the internet. I’m flabbergasted because those candles aren’t cheap unless you’re talking about the ones that smell like pumpkins. Those are garbage.

I’ll stand by my words about those stores even though I have been to some shady Marshalls. The thing about Marshalls, Target, Walmart, etc. is that the store is a direct representation of the town/city it’s in. If you’re in a shit-town, the Marshalls is shit. If you’re in a nice town, Marshalls is legit. T-shirts, socks, ties—you go to the nice Marshalls for these items if you’re savy. It’s like when you go to the nice neighborhoods on Halloween. But instead of getting the big Snickers bar, you’re getting reduced prices on Under Armor gear after you sift through 75 XXL shirts.

I know I’m not alone with these views and it wasn’t long after I was called Charlie Bucket that I found redemption. A porno princess came to my aide and her name is Asa Akira.

Asa Akira, porn star turned Barstool employee, came to my rescue. I’ll be honest–I don’t think I know a single porn star by name other than Jenna Jameson but I’m told she’s known for her butt-work. And by butt-work, I mean anal. I’m not here to judge–unless it’s the temperature of your hot tub–but I will tell you she sounds very knowledgable when it comes to shopping:

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Arguably… my best endorsement yet.