One of the more exciting times of my childhood was when the TV fairy would grant us free access to the Disney Channel. Our family didn’t have the Disney Channel but every so often we’d get a mysterious free month as if Walt himself was a crack dealer giving us a first-time customer freebie.

There were many treats to choose from and I’d stay on the channel like a fiend, not knowing when our time would run out. I’ve only realized–as of 5 minutes ago–the profound beauty of The Adventures of the Gummi Bears.

If you remember the show, you know the theme is a classic. Now I’m not sure if I’m getting nostalgic for drugs or something but we need to address the elephant bear in the room: the gummiberry juice.

The bears would drink this potion and they’d start doing ninja-bear stuff. I think the scenes were a precursor to the Limitless movie and the current drug epidemic if you ask me. You have these cute bears, just pounding purple drank like Lil’ Wayne, drop-kicking and bouncing their way through villains at what cost–we don’t know. There were only 4 seasons so maybe Disney realized their gummiberry juice was too heavy of a metaphor for the importance of moderation.

Nobody can be sure.

All I’m saying is it’s 11:00 pm and if I’m gonna relapse it’s going to be on gummiberry juice.

Screenshot 2017-02-23 22.55.25.png