If you’re engaged and decide it’s a good idea to go to a bachelor party in Vegas, there will be consequences at home.

There aren’t too many girlfriends and wives who are 100% OK with your guys’ trip to Las Vegas. Even if there’s zero chance of infidelity and you can guarantee you won’t bet every penny you have, there’s still that tinge of you’re going to Vegas without me. 

So, I waited.

Women are tactical. You get into an argument and there’s that kryptonite of an insult always at arm’s length. Every man’s kryptonite is different, but it’s a woman’s job to find out what it is. And even if they’re having trouble finding it, some will just throw and throw until something hits. Spray tactics.

I was leaving for Vegas March 17th and I knew as soon as I booked the trip, what I’d be missing. I didn’t say anything, though, like I was afraid to jinx the pitcher’s perfect game. And of all the things she could have done while I was gone, she figured it out.

Beauty and the Beast premiere.

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She knows I’ve been waiting for Mrs. Potts for over a year now. She knew it’s the only movie since The Santa Claus that I’ve wanted to see on opening night. The evil I sensed when she told me her and a few friends were going to see it was measurable. Just casually. No big deal. And it’s a revenge finishing move because how the hell am I supposed to see it now? If I go alone, there’s a 30% chance I’ll get arrested. What 30 year old sees BATB by himself? I’m stuck. Looking online like a fiend, trying to illegally stream it.

Now I gotta go and delete all the episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on the DVR and leave my shoes in the living room.  She hasn’t even told me if she liked the movie! Just cold! I’m thinking I glue the shoes to the living room floor. Permanent scars.