If you haven’t read about the Fyre Festival disaster, a.) I feel bad for you and b.) see you in 48 hours after you emerge from the rabbit hole.

Rich kids. Ja Rule. A wealthy entrepreneur bro who just wanted to be a legend. The comedy of errors only missed answering one question: What to do if people show up:

As amazing as the islands are, the infrastructure for a festival of this magnitude needed to be built from the ground up. So, we decided to literally attempt to build a city. We set up water and waste management, brought an ambulance from New York, and chartered 737 planes to shuttle our guests via 12 flights a day from Miami. We thought we were ready, but then everyone arrived.

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The storyline couldn’t get more punchable. But what made it more interesting were the questions. Who is TRAVELING anywhere to see Ja Rule and Blink182? If Ja Rule showed up to play a set on Dot Ave, there’s a 3% chance I’d go. Not even sure I’d open my windows to hear “Put It on Me.” But these kids in polo shirts (basically me with more money) were posting humblebrag photos to social media leading up to the event like they were fucking Charlie Bucket getting ready for the tour.

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When I heard about these kids stranded in tents eating ham sandwiches, my first thought was man someone is going to get royally sued. My SECOND thought was, I need this movie right now. Due to the amount of television and movies I watched from 2014-2016, I’ve hit the TV and movie doldrums. If Mark Wahlberg can put out Patriot’s Day before the victims all get into therapy, we should be able to see this shit-show explored in high-definition.

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But this actually isn’t my number one movie wish, Jets.

Don’t you fucking dare think I’ve forgotten about two other events that I’m THIRSTING for. You’ve probably forgotten about them and well, not surprised, because you have kids and activities to occupy your thoughts with. Not me, though. I haven’t moved on.

NUMBER 2:

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The 2 guys who escaped from jail in New York. 

This story was unbelievable. Two guys with the help of some lonely woman, escape jail and go on the run. Ok, ok, not bad buuuutttttt the chase goes on for WEEKS and how does that even happen? I ran away from home once and my mom found me in 15 minutes. I ran to Foster School and she drove there to play tennis 15 minutes later with my sister and saw me and it was the most humiliating moment of my life. She didn’t even acknowledge me, she just played tennis.

I’m ok.

The story from 2015 is in the details, folks.

Mitchell admitted that with the help of another prison employee, she smuggled hacksaw blades by hiding them in frozen hamburger meat, a law enforcement official told CNN last month.

IN HAMBURGER MEAT!

This Mitchell lady just put Andy Dufresne in a body bag with that move. Do you defrost the meat, then put the contraband in and re-freeze it? Was Mitchell doing sexy-time with the inmate and why did she change her mind and not flea with him? These things and more when they make the goddamn movie.

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Number ONE:

The Malaysian Plane.

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This one…I’d like for a TV series. Sure, I’m channeling my desire for LOST to return but I don’t care who knows about it. Now, I understand that first we have to figure out what the fuck happened to that plane. WHERE IS THE PLANE?

Or do we?

I wouldn’t be opposed to Netflix just getting a lot of facts about the people and circumstances of the missing plane and just…well, making up the rest. Maybe they were dead the whole time, maybe not. Use some poetic license, Netflix, but just give me three solid seasons, OK?

If there’s anything true in this world it’s that if you take any TV show or movie and slap on “Based on true events” tagline, it’s up for an award.

I’d like to conclude by urging that these events not simply become the undertakings of Hallmark or Lifetime. I want these stories on the big-time and I want them done well. A prison inmate got SHOT for our future entertainment. I don’t want his story told on Lifetime. I want it on Netflix and I want it to win awards. I want the actor who plays the guy to get so wrapped up in the role that he dies too. If you’re a killer or a genius, these are the sacrifices you make so Blink182 fans can chase around pigs on an island. If you’re clever enough to smuggle stuff in frozen hamburgers, Christopher Nolan should be the one filming the reenactments.