Here are some quick tips and advice for the New Year and all subsequent years of your life:

1. If you wear eye shadow and you don’t work at a movie theater, you should stop.

2. If you clog a toilet and then flush it thinking that prayers will unclog it, you are mistaken. You will need a plunger.

3. No-wrinkle dress shirts do not get the same respect that non-stick pans get. They are equally impressive and deserve our respect.

4. Even though you may think beard hair around the sink is logically comparable to hair left in the shower, you are mistaken. Men will always be disgusting.

5. At some point in life, the rush of staying up real late will get replaced by the quiet of the morning.

6. Your habits eventually become your character. Break bad ones and try to develop good ones until you die.

7. If you’re wearing a flat-brimmed hat and you’re over 20, someone led you down the wrong path.

8. Moving in is always easier than moving out.

9. People who are really happy don’t have to tell you they are happy.

10. Extreme cold is better than extreme heat. There’s only so many layers you can shed.

11. When a guy farts, it’s disgusting. When a girl farts, an angel gets cute wings. Or she is sick, and you need to go get some medicine.


12. If you’re white, never articulate views of any kind on race relations.

13. If you’re with someone who is sober and you ask them, “so what do you do for fun?” you should stop doing that.

14. Many people align part of their identity with a particular political party. Proceed with caution or simply, do not engage.

15. People who are critical of the things that make you happy should be removed from your life. Unless they are critical of your drug use. That criticism is warranted.

16. All internet comment boards lead to God and politics.

17. For men, tying a proper knot is as necessary as knowing how to check your oil. I should say ‘changing a tire’ but I’ve only done that once myself and it got real dangerous.


18. While cute, Sandra Bullock’s character in “While You Were Sleeping” is certifiably crazy to do what she did.

19. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

20. Marylou’s Coffee is the Hooters of the coffee-world.