I needed to cover for an English teacher who was out sick so I walked into the classroom of middle schoolers with some pep in my step. I told the kids they had the pleasure of having me as their teacher for the day and started to put the agenda on the board. One of the students said, “you’d make a good game show host” and I told him it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I was especially flattered considering my new HQ habit. If you don’t know what HQ is, it’s an app for your phone where you’re catapulted into a live game of trivia and it’s like the American Idol of trivia but nobody has a sad story and you don’t sing. I got to question 9 once and I haven’t had a rush like that since I was in a high school play and the lead was off-stage and having a wardrobe malfunction and I was the only one who noticed and nobody knew what to do but I improvised and saved the show. I didn’t have any lines in that play so I was due for some action and it’s the only time I’ve come through in a clutch situation since.

It wasn’t long after the compliment that my head jumped to something bizarre and I don’t know how I got here but I can’t stop thinking about how dumb it is that seniors get discounts. It’s not like I witnessed someone ask for a senior discount or anything. I did work at Dunkin Donuts when I was 16 and there was this old bastard who would yell at me when he didn’t get his senior discount. One time I almost had the courage to say, “It’s FUCKING 15 cents” but I didn’t because I was saving up the courage for the aforementioned play.

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A discount for surviving.

That’s what it is. I’m not saying I deserve a discount or anything like that even though statistically, people over 50 are the most well-off. I even did about 15 minutes of research to discover President Roosevelt enacted the Congrats-You-Survived Discount. I did a minute of research for each percent the seniors get off a cold-brew coffee. I also think the information may come in handy one day for HQ so there’s that too.

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And while I’m on the topic of coffee, I should tell you that I’m officially a professional brewer. I’m not sure that’s a technical term, but I feel like brewmasters only refer to people who make alcohol and well, I have what some medical professionals call a ‘drinking problem’ so that title wouldn’t work. Either way, I’m brewing like a mad-man and if you must know, I just took a sip of a new batch and it’s 10:30 pm. It’s an 8.3 if you’re wondering and the sky is the limit for me. I’m hitting Stop and Shop twice a week now, plucking random bags of coffee beans into my cart like I’m on Supermarket Sweep. I’m looking for the best brand and when I find it, I’ll make a batch and you can come over for a sip. If you want a How-To video on making coffee, leave a comment or just wait because I’ll probably do one anyways because I’m practicing to be a game show host.

Adriana just flew to California and while I’m going to miss her I’ll be honest and tell you that one of the first things I did was shave my beard and not clean up around the sink.

Hairs. Everywhere.

I didn’t do it in some spiteful type of way. It was a freedom thing and I’ll probably definitely clean it up tomorrow but I’m going to enjoy my time if that’s all right with you. If I’m being extra honest, it’s not all fun and games right now.  I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner and that tidbit of knowledge is all you need to know about the male species.

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