The meanest–and worst–gift you can give someone is the souvenir t-shirt.

My parents used to go to Aruba and come home with sweatshirts and t-shirts for all of us. Of course it wasn’t meant to be malicious. But what am I supposed to do with an Aruba t-shirt besides think about the time I didn’t go to Aruba?

Some of you have your own dresser filled with souvenir t-shirts and I bet you think they’re great to wear at the gym or planting flowers. But what the heck are you supposed to do when someone comes up to you and says, “Oh, I love Ft. Lauderdale!. I just got back!” Meanwhile you stare at them from the elliptical wondering how you’re going to tell them you haven’t even been to fucking Florida.

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These painful memories came back to me today at the gym (not bragging) when I saw an older woman with a Masters hat on. Oh! A golf fan! I thought about asking her how the Masters event was because I’ve thought about going, especially with Tiger being back and all. But then my crazy mind thought about what if that hat was a souvenir hat and I was flooded with embarrassment and left Planet Fitness.

I’m just saying it’s a sneaky type of mean giving someone a reminder of the fun you had.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the person but I can’t exactly relive their getaway by putting the hoodie on. Maybe next time you can invite me and we can go to the sweatshirt store together.

Reminds me of my friend Dave who has done many mean things over the course of our 20 year friendship. He’s painted my nails black when I was passed out and used to freeze my license and credit cards in water. But the sneakiest mean thing he’s ever done to me–and he doesn’t know this until now because he’s probably reading this–is what happened at a Coldplay concert a few years ago.

I’m with my girlfriend and sister and I get a text message from Dave. I look at the text and it’s a picture of Chris Martin who is singing 4 feet from his face. Confetti and shit flying around–a real Instagramable picture.

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This was really great and all but what made it really mean was that I was at the concert, but in much worse seats. What made it extra sneaky mean was that he didn’t intend for it to be mean. He was just having a great ole time and thought of me (how nice!).

Kind of like when you buy someone a goddamn souvenir t-shirt.