I haven’t been this fired up since the hot tub Hydro Hammock. I’m pretty sure that Crowd Funded piece of trash never made it to market. Some stoner with an idea never got sober enough to actually make the thing is my guess.

But then Facebook drops another hammock bomb right on my Timeline and I’m absolutely flummoxed.

 

tenor

1. Give me a comfy chair. Give me a blanket. Don’t give me a death-trap cocoon and tell me it’s a good time. Oh, it sways? Who is swaying you after that initial back-and-forth caused by your body weight? Nobody. You’re STUCK. You’re nestled in a straight-jacket and staying there until you decide it’s time to fall out.

2. Heights rank #3 on my fear-list behind skunks and the colonoscopy but I acknowledge some people don’t mind maybe dying. But laying in a hammock 650 feet in the air to JUST DO NOTHING is like shooting up cocaine and chasing it with some tylenol PM. WHYYYYYYYY? And what do you do up there with your lonely friends after you get that Instagram pic? I’ll tell you what. Nothing. Nothing! You spend 3 hours finding a way to take a nap 650 feet in the air only to think about how you’re going to spend the next 3 getting down so you can tell your friends what you did. Hey, 650 foot hammock guy! Go find your soul-mate–the selfie-taking meditator–and have kids together. Hope you find her on your plunge down.

3. Did you see any non-white people in that video? NOPE.

4. What a first-world problem to have when you’ve run out of fun things to do so you “relax” in near-death situations. You could literally tell me I’m going to die next week and I wouldn’t sky-dive or extreme hammock. Who wants to spend any part of their final moments shitting their pants? I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have any epiphanies while I’m in a state of panic. That’s not how most brains work. I feel bad for you that you have to go through that to get some clarify on your existence. You know what gave me a rush on Sunday? When Diddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You” just randomly came on the radio. You catapult to your death while I catapult to the 1997 MTV Movie Awards. I had a fire in me I haven’t had in 5 years. FREE. OF. CHARGE.