Every place of employment has some sort of calling out sick protocol. At my job, I am that protocol. Not to brag, but every staff member has my cell phone number and use it when they call or text that they’re going to be out.  I’ve learned a thing or two while atop this sick pyramid. For starters, given the chance to call or text, 99.9% of people opt for the text. Really wish that was an option when at one of my lowest points in life, I called out “sick,” drunk out of my tits thinking it was 5:00 am on Monday. It was 5 pm on a Sunday and I was talking to the principal’s wife. It would be many more months before I got help.

I digress.

I’m just here to report the facts. Based on three years of experience, here are the best ways to call out.

1.) Your kid is sick

Let’s start with the basic point that you can’t use this one if you don’t have kids. But, IF you have kids, there’s your meal ticket. Johnny has strep throat! Sarah has explosive diarrhea! What am I supposed to say to that? This excuse ranks high because it inadvertently shows you’re a concerned parent. It also doesn’t reflect poorly on your work ethic. You would come to work if it wasn’t for your snot-infested child. The only downside is when you have multiple kids and they all start getting sick together and then we all just wish you didn’t have kids and would come to work.

tenor

2.) I have an appointment

Let me be clear. This is only reserved for women. Yup. Chalk this up as one of the benefits of being a woman. If a guy tells me the night before that he has an “appointment” I’m either going to think he has testicular cancer or AIDS. That’s it.

But women…oh, it could mean anything!

The ominous and mysterious “appointment.” It could literally mean anything but nobody is allowed to ask. Maybe you’re pregnant, maybe you’re 12 episodes into a Netflix binge. Nobody knows. This excuse can run out of steam, though. There’s a mysterious number, somewhere around Pi, where it just becomes a little hard to believe you can’t get an appointment after 3 pm. Use it wisely.

3.) Jury Duty

At my work, you have to show that you actually went to jury duty. It’s like a doctor’s note. Not all places make you do this, though. If you’re itching for a reason to call out, and they don’t demand the letter, then it’s a good one. Doing my civic duty! Be prepared to answer questions though. Did you get picked? What was the court case? This is not the ideal excuse for the simple-minded. You better be prepared to run with that lie for no less than your entire employment at the job.

4.) Conjuntivitis

I’ve never used this one but I think it should be considered one of the best. First off, nobody wants to be 10 feet from your pink eye so as soon as you get that first sentence out, I’m out too. But let’s not forget that first few letters do spell C-O-N so you better be willing to stab yourself in the eyeballs a few times the next day to really convince everyone. Anything contagious is a good play but pink eye is the best because you’re not really sick. Your eyes are sick but you could (even if you really had it) have the time of your life staying at home.

5.) The Migraine

Here’s what you do. You casually sprinkle into a few staff conversations that you’ve struggled with migraines your whole life. Not this big production but you just let it be known that you never could achieve your real dreams because of these chronic set-backs. You wake up late and BAM, there’s your excuse. You just got it. Came on like a ton of bricks! Everybody knows headaches are the worst but a migraine? That’s the real deal. There are two issues with the migraine you must consider. One, most migraines don’t last that long. Sack up and come to work after it passes (if it was real). And two, nobody cares about the migraines after you’ve called out 5 times. Dude, figure it out. See a doctor.